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			'blurb' => 'As the insurrection against the dictator Bashar al-Assad has escalated into a full-on war, many people are calling for the U.S. to aid Syrian rebels. Here are questions from around the web.',
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</p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i></i></span></p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2367/meta-faq-syria.jpg" style=""></i></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i>As the insurrection against the dictator Bashar al-Assad has escalated into a full-on war, many people, including Senator John McCain, are calling for the United States to aid Syrian rebels. Here are some of the questions people from around the web have regarding a possible third war:</i></span><br></p>

<p><b>Q: We won the Middle East Wars a long time ago when we killed Hussein and Osama though, right?<br></b>
A: No, the Iraq War had no clear victor, and "the Middle East Wars" is not the name of a real war.</p>

<p><b>Q: People are worried that we'll get drawn into another Iraq or Afghanistan. Why? Did someone get hurt?</b><br>
A: Yes. Many thousands of people have been killed or injured.</p>

<p><b>Q: Won't getting into war be good for the economy? It worked during World War 2.</b> <br>
A: Allow us to refer you to the past 10 years.</p>

<p><b>Q: Will invading Syria stabilize the region?</b><br>
A: Thus far, invading sovereign nations has not proven to stabilize the region, but who knows? Perhaps the third time is the charm.</p>

<p><b>Q: I felt sad when the man on the radio said we should nuke them all and let God sort them out. But he IS a man on the radio, so I'm torn.</b><br>
A: While the current crisis is complex and potentially dangerous, it doesn't justify recklessly killing millions of people.</p>

<p><b>Q: I fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I'm worried that a war in Syria won't be some kind of pointless fiasco with no end in sight. How can I make sure my life will be treated frivolously by the government?</b><br>
A: While a humanitarian intervention in Syria might be more straightforward than the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan, you probably don't have anything to worry about.</p>

<p><b>Q. If the U.S. ends up in another war in the Middle East, the military may as well just invade Iran at that point, right?</b><br>
A. Who is this? Is this Benjamin Netanyahu? We told you to get the hell out of here, Netanyahu!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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			'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: What it's Like to Screw a Meatloaf',
			'blurb' => 'Poet Tricia Lockwood recaps the latest episode of Mad Men ("Collaborators") as it was always meant to be recapped: in verse.',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Three</i><br>
<br>
 First of all, who the hell drew these promos — <br>
 a chimp with a whole thing of colored pencils<br>
 up his ass? I hate it. Don Draper hates it<br>
<br>
 OK. It's the 70s now, which means one thing:<br>
 Sex party. Sex party. Sex party. Sex party<br>
 Soon Don Draper will have a word <br>
 for what he is,<br>
 which is: Swinger<br>
<br>
 I was a swinger from almost the moment <br>
 of my birth. Just look at this depressing flashback<br>
 of me as a horny teen covered with dirt<br>
 Remember how beautiful it was to be young?<br>
 Me neither. I was a gross little hobo kid<br>
 whose pregnant stepmom did it with a rooster<br>
<br>
 Speaking of gross,<br>
 Pete is somehow managing to commit adultery<br>
 though even God doesn't understand how<br>
 He puts his hands all over an actual woman<br>
 Oh god his breathing is so steamy<br>
 How has Pete ever gotten to have sex with anything<br>
 at all, including a meatloaf?<br>
<br>
 Theme of this episode is:<br>
 KETCHUP<br>
 IS<br>
 BLOOD<br>
<br>
 Blood of betrayal, blood of sensuality, blood<br>
 of loss, blood of the theater<br>
<br>
 Blood that goes into the penis to make Boner<br>
<br>
 The bean man is enemy of the ketchup man<br>
 The bean man is Farting Madness Out His Mouth<br>
 The bean man wants Don Draper to pay attention <br>
 to him and his beans ALONE<br>
 He wants to loll nakedly in a warm tub of beans<br>
 While I, Don Draper, take his picture<br>
<br>
 "NO ketchup!" he yells at me<br>
 But if I don't put ketchup on the meatloaf,<br>
 Pete Campbell won't be tricked into fucking it<br>
<br>
 I can't believe this French-ass wife of mine<br>
 let Don Draper's child escape from her<br>
 in the form of a miscarriage! Also, what is a miscarriage<br>
 exactly? Is it like when you have a bad advertising idea<br>
<br>
 Is a miscarriage like The Bean Ballet<br>
<br>
 Wait, now my wife is crying "like a baby"<br>
 that she's glad she didn't have to get <br>
 my abortion? What the hell<br>
<br>
 I'm Don Draper<br>
 I've never had an abortion <br>
 but I bet I would be fine<br>
 Bam. Abortion. Bam<br>
<br>
 No, I don't mind eating a sensual <br>
 Spaghetti Dinner with my wife, my girlfriend <br>
 and her small chode of a husband<br>
 who has nothing better to do than operate <br>
 on freaking HEARTS hearts all day<br>
 Because I am a swinger now!<br>
 I want my entire body to be a rugburn<br>
 from doing it on a shag carpet<br>
<br>
 Try the veal<br>
<br>
 Oh my god I just thought of something<br>
 When the heart surgeon husband finds out<br>
 about me he'll probably says something<br>
 like, "How do I operate on MY OWN heart?”<br>
 Then I'll turn to the camera<br>
 and wink while Matthew Weiner wins an imaginary<br>
 Emmy in his own bathroom<br>
<br>
 Hello, Pete Campbell? This is the President <br>
 of the United States, taking a break <br>
 from this whole Vietnam business to tell you<br>
 that you are never allowed to fuck anything again<br>
 Not even a meatloaf<br>
<br>
 Hahahaha just kidding it's me, Don Draper<br>
 I'm pranking you<br>
 But seriously<br>
 I hope you never get to touch another butt<br>
 I hope you are deprived forever of the sweet <br>
 cream of a woman's face, which rises to the top<br>
 of her glass of milk<br>
 And also I hope Trudy cuts your balls off<br>
<br>
 What is going ON with this Italian side-dish of mine<br>
 She doesn't even want to eat Prego with me in public<br>
 She just wants to get home and have me plunge into<br>
 her meat sauce, with my noodle<br>
<br>
 Why is she being such a SUPER bitch to me?<br>
 One answer: because she wants the d extremely bad<br>
 "You want to feel shitty right up to the point <br>
 where I take your dress off!" What I don't tell her<br>
 is that the reason I am so madly ripping dresses off<br>
 is because it is the 70s now and clothes are getting mega-<br>
 ugly with hayride colors and atomic flowers<br>
 I consider it my duty to rip these clothes off America<br>
<br>
 "I want you, I want you all the time," I say, and by "you"<br>
 I mean "all women"<br>
 I want to fuck both the specific and the general Woman<br>
 I want to stare deep into the composite face<br>
 as I sink deep into the composite pussy<br>
<br>
 Why is this? Because once I watched my stepmom <br>
 do Ho Business through a keyhole<br>
<br>
 And I pitched a huge hobo tent in my nightdress<br>
<br>
 Time for a commercial break<br>
 Let me get one thing straight: Don Draper is a Bing man<br>
 I binged some things this morning<br>
 I binged "breasts"<br>
 and I binged "advertising"<br>
 and I binged "Don Draper getting head in a sweet Jaguar<br>
 while driving really well and not swerving on the road at all"<br>
 I just wanted to see what it would look like<br>
<br>
 The big Jaguar is trying so hard to fuck me<br>
 but I, Don Draper, do NOT do jungle cats<br>
 The big Jaguar wants to be on television<br>
 growling about coupons, but I'll give you<br>
 a coupon, Jaguar: one free go fuck yourself<br>
<br>
 Is it just me or are the women in this episode<br>
 being much more rude and bloodthirsty than usual<br>
 Joan insinuates that a man cannot see his penis <br>
 past his Santabelly<br>
 Peggy is trying to steal ketchup from me<br>
 Trudy is going to kill Pete the next time he pees<br>
<br>
 CUT HIS BALLS OFF, TRUDY<br>
 CUT OFF PETE CAMPBELL'S BALLS<br>
 TELL THEM THEY'RE NO LONGER PLANETS,<br>
 LIKE PLUTO, THEN CUT THEM LOOSE<br>
 FROM THE SUN'S ORBIT AND SEND<br>
 THEM SPINNING INTO SPACE<br>
<br>
 A song begins to play as I walk down the hall,<br>
 and wow, talk about a song that is extremely appropriate<br>
 for my situation? JUST A GIGOLO EVERYWHERE I GO<br>
<br>
 I collapse on the carpet in front of my own door<br>
 covered in sex Prego and my own shame<br>
 perhaps hoping that if I put my eye to the keyhole<br>
 I'll see my "prego" stepmom in there going down<br>
 on my "prego" wife<br>
<br>
 (You may not have noticed this before but my show<br>
 is extremely deep with symbolism, such as what<br>
 I am saying right now about the Prego)<br>
<br>
 You thought space was the final frontier<br>
 but actually the final frontier is me, Don Draper,<br>
 watching my stepmom have sex with my wife<br>
 Watching my pregnant stepmom getting my wife<br>
 SO pregnant<br>
 with me, Don Draper, who must be born again</p>
<br>
<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i></i></p><p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p><p>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-for-immediate-release-2362">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a><br>•&nbsp;Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'<br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm">Season 6 Premiere</a></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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			'title' => 'Mad Men poetry recap: Season 6 Premiere',
			'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: Season Six Premiere',
			'blurb' => 'Poet Tricia Lockwood recaps the season six premiere of Man Men – in verse.',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><i><br>
Season 6, Episode 1</i><br>
<br>
 So I know what you're all wondering<br>
 Did Don Draper fuck a prostitute last year<br>
 Hear me now:<br>
<br>
 DON<br>
 DRAPER <br>
 DOES <br>
 NOT<br>
 FUCK<br>
 PROSTITUTES<br>
<br>
 Or does he? Sometimes he does,<br>
 when he's mad or sad or needs a SPANK<br>
 or sees a prostitute that looks just like his wife<br>
 (Irony)<br>
 or when a season needs to end<br>
 with a sexy cliffhanger<br>
 where a sexy prostitute is hanging off a cliff<br>
<br>
 Well everybody shut up. This episode is<br>
 about something way sexier than prostitutes:<br>
 Death<br>
<br>
 I'm Don Draper and I'm dead. I'm so comfortable<br>
 in hell that it feels like Hawaii. Oh shit, it IS<br>
 Hawaii. Maybe if I weren't smoking so much WEED<br>
 with my hot French WIFE I wouldn't keep <br>
 making that mistake<br>
<br>
 I'm high right now actually. Do you think it would be cool ...<br>
 to be opposite of born? What if my hand weren't even here?<br>
 What will it feel like<br>
 to fuck nothingness instead of France?<br>
<br>
 A little soldier is telling me about Vietnam, WHY<br>
 Now he's asking me to give away his bride<br>
 Do NOT let me give away your bride, dude<br>
 I will f her and then take over your identity<br>
<br>
 I am very horny to take over GI identities<br>
<br>
 I ate roasted pig earlier and it tasted delicious, but<br>
 in this light, I suddenly look a bit like a roasted pig<br>
 myself. Is this ... Age? Is this ... Mortality?<br>
 Wow, good questions. Stay tuned<br>
<br>
 I arrive home from Hawaii only to be greeted by Death<br>
 in the form of a Doorman who ... Dies<br>
 A Doorman who goes through the ... Door<br>
 Sometimes this show is not very subtle about its metaphors<br>
<br>
 There's Roger lying on a therapist's couch<br>
 with his little baby butt all full of LSD<br>
 He is absolutely shitting mandalas<br>
 at this point in his life<br>
<br>
 Meanwhile<br>
 Betty is getting VERY turned on by the thought<br>
 of her husband raping an underage violin<br>
 I ... don't know<br>
 I barf later on. This might be the reason<br>
<br>
 Peggy needs a new idea because of Vietnam<br>
 and ear pendants. This is why war<br>
 "is hell." Wars are always trying to ruin <br>
 our advertising ideas with their atrocities <br>
 and I for one am TIRED of it<br>
<br>
 Roger is so good at therapy, you guys<br>
 He yells in a voice <br>
 from his bowels, "DOOR!<br>
 ROGER IS ... AFRAID OF DOOR!"<br>
 Like me, Don Draper, he is so afraid of doors<br>
 and windows and gates<br>
 Anything that opens and closes<br>
 except his pants<br>
<br>
 Peggy, don't you miss me?<br>
 My team is openly smoking dope with their huge beards<br>
 and LOVING it<br>
 Look at us. We're posing all over the freaking stairs,<br>
 looking amazing and elegant — Joan is so sexy as usual<br>
 Roger's hands are even tinier than you remember<br>
 Pete is growing sideburns<br>
 and trying to say some Hawaiian words<br>
 Harry is a tumbleweed of pubic hair<br>
 rolling past a used car dealership<br>
<br>
 No one has to think about severed ears at all<br>
<br>
 Also, I don't want to brag, but<br>
 I, DON DRAPER, AM A COVERGIRL NOW<br>
 Spreading my trouser bulges for everyone<br>
 Doing cigarette porn, lighter porn ...<br>
 Realization that I'm not who I say I am porn<br>
<br>
 WHO IS MYSELF, I cry as I stare at the lighter<br>
 of a little army boy whose identity <br>
 I accidentally ate<br>
 Along with that roast pig<br>
<br>
 SPEAKING<br>
 OF<br>
 THE<br>
 MONSTER<br>
 WHO<br>
 EATS<br>
 IDENTITY<br>
<br>
 Roger's mommy dead!<br>
 She was 91 ... what happened?<br>
 A door slammed on her, probably<br>
<br>
 Allow me to tipple a little gold liquid <br>
 into my mouth at the funeral<br>
 You know my mother's breastmilk tasted <br>
 like turkey feathers<br>
 and that's why I love liquor today. I miss <br>
 my mother, I want my mother. Everyone <br>
 else's mother is alive<br>
<br>
 Especially Pete Campbell's, which makes sense<br>
 because he's an eternal evil baby<br>
 But I, Dick Whitman, was born old,<br>
 and those who are born old do not get mothers<br>
<br>
 Roger's mom was in love with him. She said,<br>
 "One time, applying cream to his butt, I saw<br>
 a sunbeam shine out." I, Don Draper, simply BARF<br>
 and the dude in charge of this show's vomit sounds<br>
 gets a raise so big that HE throws up<br>
<br>
 I'm so happy to have barfed on a funeral<br>
 I think it showed how full of life I was —<br>
 so full I had to puke it. I'm so full of extra<br>
 life that as they carry me through the Door<br>
 I blurt out to the Doorman, "What'd you see <br>
 when you died?"<br>
<br>
 A light. A light. Everyone sees a light, <br>
 but is it light like hot tropical sunshine<br>
 or light like what shone<br>
 from my bad friend's bottom<br>
<br>
 The underage violin has run away<br>
 and Betty is worried that she will start playing <br>
 Rock<br>
 and <br>
 Roll<br>
 In a rat house, Betty sees "druggos"<br>
 (I believe that's what they're called. Druggos)<br>
 getting handjobs among the rats<br>
 and thinks: DERELICTION<br>
 But no. They are men of taste. They steal <br>
 paprika for goulash<br>
<br>
 Or wait hahaha<br>
 should I be spelling it "ghoulash"<br>
 because ... Death<br>
<br>
 You see, she's in a circle of hell!<br>
 "It's so much better to be hot than cold,"<br>
 says a filthy druggo. The point of this episode<br>
 is that we're ALL in a circle of hell, and that circle<br>
 of hell is the fact that Matthew Weiner <br>
 read "The Inferno" in high school<br>
<br>
 Roger gives his daughter a jar of piss<br>
 Excuse me, "water from the river Jordan"<br>
 She puts it away to drink later<br>
 She must drink piss because her husband<br>
 is not successful<br>
<br>
 She cries, "Refrigeration is the wave of the future!"<br>
 Girl, you are so right<br>
 You could refrigerate that piss INDEFINITELY<br>
<br>
 Now it is time for Don Draper<br>
 to do what Don Draper does best. Let me sell<br>
 Hawaii, where I was dead. Let me sell <br>
 the afterlife, which is no pain, which is warmth,<br>
 which is light, which is weightlessness in the water<br>
<br>
 WATCH ME SELL THE "HELL" <br>
 OUT OF SUICIDE<br>
 TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE<br>
<br>
 But wait. They do not like it?<br>
 Quelle surprise<br>
<br>
 "What is it like to have someone's life in your hands?"<br>
 I ask the heart doctor. I don't know the answer to that question,<br>
 but I DO know the answer to the question, "What is it like<br>
 to have my dick <br>
 in your wife's hands"<br>
<br>
 Because I'm fucking his wife<br>
<br>
 Oh, what<br>
 WHAT<br>
 Like you're so perfect<br>
 You're reading Mad Men poetry online<br>
<br>
 WHY ARE YOU IDIOTS EVER SURPRISED<br>
 WHEN IT TURNS OUT I'M CHEATING <br>
 WITH A LUSCIOUS OLD BRUNETTE???<br>
<br>
 Remember when Alcoholism forced me to keep a diary<br>
 Well I still keep it<br>
 I write, "I FUCK BRUNETTES AND FEAR DEATH" <br>
 in that goddamn diary every night. Those are the two<br>
 main things about me. I fuck brunettes and I fear<br>
 death. When I fuck the brunette of death<br>
 itself only then will I know <br>
 Peace<br>
<br>
 The oldest, most luscious brunette, Death</p>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>
<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p><p>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-for-immediate-release-2362">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a><br>•&nbsp;Season 6 Premiere</p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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			'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: Remember When Megan Was Sexy?',
			'blurb' => 'Poet Tricia Lockwood recaps the latest episode of Mad Men ("To Have and to Hold") as it was always meant to be recapped: In verse.',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Four</i><br>
<br>
 Remember how I told you last week <br>that I was becoming a swinger? You laughed,<br>but it turns out the theme of this episode<br>is threesomes, foursomes, <br>and hot dogs and burgers doing it while<br>a bottle of ketchup cums a single drop<br><br>"Heinz. The ONLY way a tomato cums"<br><br>If I were trying to think of a slogan now<br>that's probably what I would come up with,<br>but you couldn't be as edgy in the past<br><br>(Also I didn't learn the word "cum" until 1993,<br>at a sex ed class in my nursing home)<br><br>First, time to ride in an elevator with my minky<br>mistress who is wearing like a hundred furs<br>to remind me how many pubes she has<br>We stop the elevator to french a bit<br>and suddenly I have a great idea for a song<br>Something like "eating muff in a elevator"<br>"Eating the muff as I go down floors"<br>It might need some work<br><br>I have to tell you, whenever I see Stan I love him more<br>He's like a Flintstone had sex with the Space Age<br>Now we're hiding in a tinfoil cave together<br>and he tells me I must smoke weed to clear<br>the cobwebs, so I get extremely high with him<br>and look at pictures of pigs in blankets<br>and think about "the wiener" and what it needs<br><br>Which is KETCHUP<br><br>Oh great my WIFE is so EXCITED<br>to have SIMULATED SEX with a man named ROD<br>Well guess what I do not care for this development<br>despite me sticking my dick into random lasagnas<br>every chance I get. Does that surprise you? <br>I contain multitudes<br><br>Remember when Megan was sexy?<br>And then the show was like,
"No she isn't anymore"<br>The true sexy woman wears a muff<br>in an elevator while I "dive down" on her<br><br>Forget about sexy women, though<br>What the public really wants to see<br>is Joe Namath in a pair of pantyhose<br>kicking one leg up and singing <br>"Napalm!" <br>while babies tapdance behind him<br>Babies who have never even heard of Vietnam<br><br>Two people are up all night thinking about<br>ketchup, trying to have ideas about ketchup<br>The high wattage of the human mind turned on ketchup,<br>the horsepower of the human mind hitched to ketchup<br>Listen to me. Everyone hates advertising,<br>but it is the very fingertip of human intelligence<br>to point hard at anything, to say "look at this"<br><br>Peggy walks past me and the blood<br>in her cheeks is as bold as Heinz<br>I stare at my student with a sudden <br>catch of information in my face<br>like a hoop <br>that has received a basketball,<br><br>I listen at the door, I hear her voice<br>sink neatly, and just like that! I lose<br><br>All right. Let's think about this. If I, Don Draper, had a foursome,<br>the other participants would have to be God, Martin Luther King Jr.,<br>and ... let me see ... Caligula<br>This is just off the top of my head<br>Oh! Maybe also God's hot brunette mother<br><br>The people who would NOT be included in my foursome<br>are these old-ass gremlins <br>who want me to smoke "grass" at their "pad"<br>and my current so-called "wife," whatever her name is<br>I hope she gets replaced in the night like Bobby<br>Read the wrinkles on my forehead, perverts<br>They say "I WILL NEVER FUCK YOU" in cuneiform<br><br>You can tell Joan is in trouble in this episode because <br>she's wearing ruffles and is painted like a clown<br>with a single tear running down her disrespected cheek<br>Now she's in some sort of psychedelic fuck club<br>and druids are whooping in the background<br>while she has an orgy with the sad past <br>and the unknown future<br>With her old self and her new<br><br>Life, friends, is boring<br>So is this episode<br>until it turns out everyone is gonna have a foursome<br><br>Except my wife. I DO NOT LIKE my french maid wife<br>getting fucked fictionally or otherwise by anyone<br>who is not me<br>But who ISN'T me, at this point<br><br>Dick Whitman is me, Jon Hamm is me,<br>Santa is me, at Christmastime<br><br>I'm "Don Draper." How am I capable of containing <br>so many moods, contradictions, winds, weathers,<br>faces like the faces of a crowd<br>In short how am I capable of being so many men<br><br>And why are all of them so horny</p>
<br>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p><p>• <a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-for-immediate-release-2362">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>•&nbsp;Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'<br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm">Season 6 Premiere</a><br></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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			'title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: 'The Flood'',
			'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: All the Animals are Crying',
			'blurb' => 'Poet Tricia Lockwood recaps the latest episode of Mad Men ("The Flood") as it was always meant to be recapped: in verse.',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Five</i><br>
<br>
 Let me get philosophical for a minute:<br><br>Mad Men is interesting because it's a show<br>about ideas, about ideas and how people get them,<br>what gasolines go in, what wheels turn,<br>what faces look like when they do, and what hours <br>of the night will simply crack open and show <br>a person something -- late hours, and early hours<br><br>But it is also a show about how society gets ideas<br>That we should all start wearing<br>extremely loud plaid, for example<br>Or that we do not like the war<br><br>Miniskirts, music, an obsession with Hawaii,<br>the kind of drugs we want to take -- are all ideas<br>that a culture catches little fires with, here and there,<br>and then suddenly the whole country is lit up<br><br>Or that assassination is possible<br>Once, and then again, and then again --<br>Bobby Kennedy is still alive <br>in this poem, but not for long<br><br>It is about how restlessness joins other<br>restlessness and becomes movements<br><br>Remember that "flashover" is the point<br>when a fire in a room becomes a room on fire<br>Flashover happens too to crowds, cities, <br>countries, heads of individual men --<br>a fire in them becomes them on fire<br><br>If you want to know what happened<br>in this episode, it is this:<br>Martin Luther King Jr. was shot<br>in the face on April 4th, 1968<br>on the balcony of a motel<br><br>And people woke up the next morning<br>and went on with their lives: Pete missed his wife,<br>Harry was upset that Bewitched got interrupted,<br>Abe walked through lit-up Harlem and was exhilarated,<br>Henry walked through lit-up Harlem and decided <br>to be a senator, Peggy didn't get the apartment,<br>Dawn could hardly make her way here and then <br>suffered the indignity of being hugged by Joan,<br>not as a person but as a representative of sorrow,<br>Ginsberg admitted he was a virgin in a diner <br>to a chess baby his dad wanted him to marry, <br>a TREMENDOUSLY AWESOME dude named Randall<br>tried to communicate with everyone mentally,<br>quoted Tecumseh, said he spoke with MLK's ghost<br>who told him to make an ad showing a Molotov cocktail <br>being lit with a match and then "a coupon underneath"<br><br>He said, "There's a tear and in that tear are all<br>the tears in the world, all the animals crying"<br>Whatever the FUCK that means<br><br>I asked Roger who this mystic LSD psycho was<br>and Roger said “do not insult me, I am also<br>a mystic LSD psycho now"<br><br>And I, Don Draper, drank, drank, drank some more, <br>kissed my current wife on the forehead,<br>understood that my son was a person,<br>understood for the first time that he was an individual,<br>even as humanity felt to me <br>more than ever like an undifferentiated <br>onrushing ocean<br><br>"They're going to burn down the city!"<br>They can't burn down the city because <br>the city is a sea<br><br>Now allow me to let my author speak,<br>because after all someone is writing this:<br><br>It is difficult to write about certain deaths,<br>long-ago deaths, because they still feel new,<br>because the force behind them is still current,<br>the impulse behind them is still hot, happening,<br>has a pulse still, is more alive even than <br>the men it inhabits<br><br>Martin Luther King Jr.'s murder feels new<br>because someone would do it again,<br>would do it tomorrow, would do it the day<br>after "I've Been to the Mountaintop"<br>and the question next morning would still<br>somehow be, "How are white people dealing with it"<br><br>The theme of this episode is tv within a tv<br>Fires within a tv within a tv, people warming themselves<br>by those fires, those fires as reflected on people's faces,<br>black-haired Betty cannot turn off the television, <br>the sound of the television crackles in the background<br>almost as loud as our dialogue, my liquor is the color<br>of cars on fire, I drive my children through city streets,<br>everybody likes to go to the movies when they're sad,<br><br>the light of Planet of the Apes streams over the audience<br>and blows our minds for the first time, I thought we <br>went to outer space but really we just stayed here,<br>I thought we walked on the moon but really<br>I just saw it on television, and more than ever <br>the exact place where I am, Don Draper, <br>feels like the center of the universe<br><br>The planet was New York<br>It was New York all along<br><br></p>
<br>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i></i></p><p><b><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></b></p><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a></span><div><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/81qVfW">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a></span><br><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">• Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</span><br><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a></span><br><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a></span><br><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">• <a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm">Season 6 Premiere</a></span><br><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p>
</div></p></p></p>',
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			'title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: 'For Immediate Release'',
			'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap:&nbsp;'For Immediate Release'',
			'blurb' => 'Laying the smack down on Pete Campbell in free verse.',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><img style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/madmen-header-v1.jpg"></p>

<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Six</i><br>
<br>
 ANNOUNCEMENT:<br>I'm Don Draper and I need a Quinceañera<br>because I just went through<br>a very serious plot puberty -- my plot<br>started out wearing a training bra <br>and then all of a sudden it developed so hard<br>it needed double-Ds! Perverts <br>across America could NOT stop looking <br>at my plot development<br><br>Relatedly, I know you want to make fun <br>of the supertight sweater I wore this episode<br>but the fact is that it made Don Draper's tits <br>look good, and sometimes a man just wants <br>his boobs to look nice for Mother’s Day<br>BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE A MOTHER<br>AND THEREFORE MUST BREASTFEED <br>HIMSELF<br><br>OK I have something terrifying to tell you<br>ROGER STERLING HAS A GHOST NIPPLE<br>It’s the nipple on his left boob and it must<br>have died when he had his heart attack<br>and preceded him into the afterlife <br>Guess who likes Roger Sterling’s <br>ghost nipple, though? Stewardesses, <br>because they live in Heaven<br><br>This is the episode where I, Don Draper, <br>fall in love with Pete Campbell. How could I not?<br>This is Vincent Kartheiser’s most golden hour,<br>his face pours like water over the stones<br>of his dialogue, his face is like a jello<br>filled with the floating pineapple hunks<br>of astonishing acting decisions,<br>he sits his stupid butt down on the stairs<br>as eloquently as Buster Keaton,<br>his hair rises up like a dong above him,<br>like a thought bubble containing <br>the single word DONG, he is perfect,<br>he comes into his own like a million dirty <br>dollars. Pete Campbell is a man who was born <br>to run into his father-in-law in a whorehouse<br>and then tell his own wife about it<br><br>Oh PETE! Is it because I am not myself<br>that I am so in love with the sight of an actor<br>sailing perfectly into the skin of his character<br>and filling him out to his fingertips?<br><br>Age-old question: how do you keep<br>your husband interested?<br>Age-old answer: put snacks between<br>your legs to make him hungry<br><br>Time for dinner with a bunch <br>of people I hate! Food is truly one <br>of the pleasures of life, isn’t it<br>Favorite steak is the t-bone <br>because it looks like a yoni<br>Favorite drink is a Shirley Temple<br>with a testosterone pill dissolved in it<br><br>Hold the fuck up. If a jaguar <br>disrespects me during my din-din<br>do you know what I do to him<br>I reach into his gut and pull out about<br>one hundred jaguar puppies<br>and then I hold one of the jaguar<br>puppies up to my ear like a phone<br>and scream, "YOU'RE FIRED" <br><br>I'm so mad that I look <br>like the kind of erection <br>you have to go to the hospital for<br>When did Jon Hamm start delivering<br>all my lines like an angry penis <br>who takes improv classes<br>I'm not saying I don't like it<br>I love it actually<br><br>My rage is nothing compared to Joan's,<br>however, when she discovers that she slept<br>with a sack of Jabba cum for no reason. Whatever,<br>Joan! Get over it and stop being such a bébé<br>(That's the only French word I've learned so far)<br><br>Here's the thing:<br>as long as I'm in Detroit,<br>I might as well fuck a car<br><br>Don Draper walks into a bar. Don Draper's<br>enemy walks into a bar. A Chevy walks <br>into a bar, and we're both so drunk we <br>feel up her wheels, and roll down<br>her windows, and hang our fuzzy dice<br>in her, and make her get down<br>on all fours while we pump her full of gas<br>and toot her little horn so long and loud<br><br>"The future is something you haven't even <br>thought of yet." WRONG. The future is me,<br>Don Draper, having a threesome with a hot car <br>and a man who exclusively wears turtlenecks<br><br>You know, a man from the future<br>once gave me some very good advice<br>AABC<br>Adverts Always Be Composing<br>I've never forgotten that<br><br>The last agency's name was too long <br>and everyone made fun of us, which hurt<br>my feelings, so this time we're gonna call <br>ourselves The Uptown Sexy Boys<br><br>OR<br><br>Mad ... vertising Men<br><br>OR<br><br>Fart Transplant<br><br>Wait now I'm getting a bunch of ideas<br><br>Roger Sterling's Ghost Nipple. Don Draper's<br>First BJ. Peggy's Luxurious Turtleneck<br>Fantasy. Satan Is Real And Joan Is In Hell<br><br>I'm just kidding<br><br>You know we're gonna call ourselves<br>Pete Campbell's Prostitute Surprise<br>
<br>
</p>
<br>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.45em;"><div><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.45em;">• <a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a><br>•&nbsp;Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'<br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm">Season 6 Premiere</a></span></div></span><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'Poet Patricia Lockwood recaps the latest episode of Mad Men ("For Immediate Release") as it was always meant to be recapped: in verse.',
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			'title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: 'Man With a Plan'',
			'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: Let's Rap About Margarine!',
			'blurb' => 'Poet Patricia Lockwood recaps the latest episode of Mad Men ("Man With a Plan") as it was always meant to be recapped: in verse.',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p><img style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/madmen-header-v1.jpg"></p>

<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Seven</i><br>
<br>
 Here's the thing:<br>
I know everyone is getting bored<br>
with me lately but I think I have a solution<br>
There's this book that everyone's been talking about<br>
and I'm gonna reenact some scenes from it<br>
<br>
It's called 9 1/2 Weeks<br>
<br>
The first thing I'm gonna do<br>
is put a ball of margarine in a woman's mouth<br>
so she cannot talk at ALL<br>
Then I'm gonna lick margarine off her inner legs<br>
Then I'm gonna lock her in a hotel room<br>
and force her to masturbate<br>
<br>
with margarine<br>
<br>
It turns out what I really wanted<br>
all along was a woman who got wet<br>
with melted margarine<br>
just so I could go down on her<br>
and yell, "WHY ISN'T THIS BUTTER" <br>
<br>
Do you know what name I really hate<br>
Ted. IT'S TED. I hate a certain name that's Ted<br>
that usually belongs to certain losers who fly <br>
their own planes and sit on furniture <br>
with their nice balls showing and have <br>
probably never kept a sex slave in their lives<br>
and cannot say "groovy" without embarrassing <br>
themselves so bad -- I never even TRY to say <br>
the word "groovy" because once I mouthed<br>
it to myself in the mirror and I felt<br>
like I had had my appendix taken out<br>
<br>
The appendix of my dignity<br>
<br>
So my new agency is working out pretty great<br>
Peggy is back and just absolutely PUNCHING<br>
through the glass ceiling with both of her fists, <br>
Pete doesn't have a chair and his mom is demented,<br>
Joan is barfing in a trashcan because we're all<br>
going to die someday, Stan is even more<br>
of a resplendent countercultural otter than ever,<br>
Roger Sterling has grown YET ANOTHER<br>
nutsack since the last time we saw him<br>
<br>
Let's have a rap session about margarine!<br>
Let's free associate about margarine!<br>
1. It's yellow 2. People hate it<br>
3. It was invented for Napoleon<br>
who used it as lube. In a letter to Josephine<br>
Napoleon wrote, "Do not bathe <br>
so that you will stink very naughtily <br>
when I return, and also, my short little<br>
conqueror body is completely <br>
COVERED with margarine right now"<br>
<br>
(Rap session? Free associate?<br>
Why do I get the feeling that sometime<br>
in the future Ted comes up with <br>
the California Raisins in a misguided<br>
attempt to get in touch with teens)<br>
<br>
My mistress whispers to me <br>
"I need you and nothing else will do"<br>
What I think at that moment is:<br>
what a great slogan for Chevy<br>
<br>
Remember a time when Don Draper sex scenes <br>
were not so disgusting you wanted to die?<br>
That time has passed. The high-class hotel <br>
of Don Draper's sex scenes has become <br>
a motel of unparalleled sleaze<br>
where the audience is queasily massaged<br>
on a Magic Fingers bed<br>
and one of the Magic Fingers is touching<br>
UP THEIR BUTT and the other one <br>
is tugging on their heartstring<br>
<br>
The problem is I cannot decide <br>
whether I am a sub or a dom<br>
Sometimes I'm like, it would be cool <br>
if women were mules for me, carrying <br>
me down into their Grand Canyons<br>
Other times I'm like, but I am so lazy<br>
and I just want to spend the afternoon<br>
drinking beta males named TED <br>
under the table and debating <br>
the relative hotness of margarine mascots<br>
<br>
(Hottest margarine mascot is definitely the Parkay <br>
talking tub -- I want to get a bj from that thing)<br>
<br>
OK, I've decided: I AM A DOM<br>
Slap your own face if you didn't see it coming<br>
that Don Draper would one day lock<br>
a woman in a hotel room and order her<br>
to be his sex veal<br>
<br>
Lately, like any fictional human, <br>
I have been wondering how I will die<br>
(Is this something <br>
nonfictional humans worry about?<br>
Probably not<br>
Probably they are too busy<br>
enjoying the feeling of real vaginas)<br>
<br>
But hear me now: if I die in the plane<br>
of this pantywaist who drinks like a baby girl<br>
I will drag you ALL to hell with me<br>
Look at me<br>
I'm sweating so hard I could rain on people<br>
<br>
And now my sex veal is telling me<br>
that she doesn't want to be my sex veal<br>
anymore because she dreamed <br>
about me dying in a plane crash?<br>
Listen: unless my plane crashes <br>
into the cow field where your cow mother <br>
lives you have nothing to worry about<br>
<br>
"It's over, it's over," she keeps saying<br>
and something is over but I don't know <br>
what. The next thing you know shots <br>
ring out and the next picture you see <br>
is Bobby Kennedy lying on the floor<br>
and all of us are almost too numb to feel it<br>
<br>
Rude ending to my sensuality episode, America </p>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p>
<span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.45em;">• Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</span><br>
•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-for-immediate-release-2362" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a><br>
 •&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>
 •&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a><br>
 •&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a><br>
 •&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Premiere</a><br></p></p></p>',
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		(int) 10 => array(
			'id' => '2364',
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			'created_by' => '18',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'News FAQ: Printable Gun Poses New Dangers',
			'index_title' => 'News FAQ: Printable Gun Poses New Dangers',
			'blurb' => 'This week, a Texas law student demonstrated a functional handgun printed with a 3D printer. Here are some of the questions people from around the web have about this new class of firearm.',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i></i></span></p>

<p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2364/meta-faq-printablegun.jpg" style=""></i></p>
<p><i>This week, a Texas law student demonstrated a functional handgun printed with a 3D printer. Here are some of the questions people from around the web have about this new class of firearm:<br>
</i></p><hr>
<p><b>Q. Does this mean you can fax a gun? Because I own a fax machine store, and I could really use the business.</b></p>

<p>A. We suppose someone could send the URL of the gun-printing CAD program to someone else, via fax. But no one is probably ever going to do that.</p>

<p><b>Q: Can you please print me out a gun? I want to shoot somebody.</b><br>
 A: No, we will not print you out a gun. Those things are extremely expensive. Don't shoot anybody.</p>

<p><b>Q: Ooooh! We can print out guns and the bullets in whatever pretty colors we like?</b><br>
 A: There’s no reason you couldn’t.</p>

<p><b>Q: Do I have to print out the 'bang bang' sounds too, or do those come with it?</b><br>
 A: The gun is functional and will make the same sound any other gun would make.</p>

<p><b>Q: How do we keep these guns out of the hands of crazy—it's already in their hands, isn't it?</b><br>
 A: Yes. The world's first printed plastic gun was made and fired by an anarchist whose goal is to make government obsolete. </p>

<p><b>Q: So I should start coming three hours early to the airport then? </b><br>
 A: Yes.</p>

<p><b>Q. Ah, crap. I'm gonna be the first guy to get killed by a printed gun, aren't I?</b><br>
 A. Possible, but unlikely. Statistically, you have the same chance as every other man, woman, and child of being the first person killed by a printed gun.</p>

<p><b>Q. It's too bad they can't print anything to limit the number of guns, huh?</b><br>
 A. They could print comprehensive gun control legislation. On paper.</p>

<p><b>Q. Yeah, I know. I was just setting you up.<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A. We know. Thank you.</span></p>
<br><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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			'title' => 'Tech Scoop: Facebook Phone',
			'index_title' => 'Can The Facebook Phone Survive a ten story fall?',
			'blurb' => 'Techspert Joe Garden puts the Facebook Phone through trial by fire -- and free fall. See how well this product performs!',
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		(int) 12 => array(
			'id' => '2363',
			'article_collection_id' => null,
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			'title' => 'Old Man Meme: A Retrospective',
			'index_title' => 'Old Man Meme:&nbsp;A Retrospective',
			'blurb' => 'It's been a whirlwind four weeks for our pal Old Man Meme! Let's take a look back and see what's happened so far!',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p>
</p><p><i>Uh-oh! It's been a whirlwind four weeks for our pal Old Man Meme! He lost his house, got put in a nursing home—his wife even died! Let's take a look back and see what's happened so far to the elderly gentleman who doesn't want to be turned into an Internet meme!</i></p><hr><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme1.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme2.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme3.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme4.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme5.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme7.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme8.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme9.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm21.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm221.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm23.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm24.jpg" style=""></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm25.jpg" style=""></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm29.jpg" style=""><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm26.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm27.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm28.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm31.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm32.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm33.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm34.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm35.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm36.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm3722.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm41.jpg" style=""><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm42.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm43.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm44.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm45.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm46.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm47.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm48.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm49.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><b>Cool! Now that you're all up to speed, make your own Old Man Meme, Old Woman Meme, Interrupted Priest Meme, Unintentional Urn Meme, Reverse Mortgage Trebek Meme, and Smug Son Meme!</b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/ommblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/ommblank2.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/priest-blank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/urnblank3.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/trebekblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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		(int) 13 => array(
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			'title' => 'I Lost 200 Pounds, Gained 300 Pounds, Lost 129 Pounds, Gained 1 Pound...',
			'index_title' => 'I Lost 200 Pounds, Gained 300 Pounds, Lost 129 Pounds, Gained 1 Pound...',
			'blurb' => 'I became the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, lost 40 pounds, ran the company into the ground, and lost 20 pounds – and you can too!',
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</p><p>You know, when I look at those old pictures of myself before I lost 200 pounds, gained 300 pounds, lost 129 Pounds, gained 1 pound, became the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, lost 40 pounds, ran the company into the ground, and lost 20 pounds, I can hardly believe it was me. To this day, friends, family—heck, even people off the street—come up to me and ask, "John, how'd you do it? How did you lose 200 pounds, gain 300 pounds, lose 129 pounds, gain 1 pound, become the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, lose 40 pounds, run the company into the ground, lose 20 pounds, and get washboard abs in just 30 days?" And I tell them all the same thing:</p>

<p>It was easy! <b>So easy, in fact, that adults, seniors—even kids—can do it!</b></p>

<p>Hey, I was skeptical too when I first heard that someone like <i>me </i>could lose 200 pounds, gain 300 pounds, lose 129 pounds, gain 1 pound, become the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, lose 40 pounds, run the company into the ground, lose 20 pounds, get washboard abs, flip $300,000 worth of real estate, gain 9 pounds and declare bankruptcy in just 30 days. But I was sick of living paycheck-to-paycheck, and I knew I needed to make a change.</p>

<p>And wow! <b>I started to see results <i>immediately</i>!&nbsp;</b></p><p>With the easy-to-follow, step-by-step losing-200-pounds-gaining-300-pounds-losing-129-pounds-gaining-1-pound-becoming-the-CEO-of-a-<i>Fortune</i>-500-company-losing-40-pounds-running-the-company-into-the-ground-losing-20-pounds-getting-washboard-abs-flipping-$300,000-worth-of-real-estate-declaring-bankruptcy-gaining-9-pounds-making-delicious-preservative-free-beef-jerky-for-my-family-not-being-able-to-get-up-the-stairs-in-my-own-home-gaining-4-pounds-having-more-energy-and-losing-40-pounds-in-just-30-days process, I could tell after the first week I was already well on my way to losing 200 pounds, gaining 300 pounds, losing 129 pounds, gaining 1 pound, becoming the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, losing 40 pounds, running the company into the ground, losing 20 pounds, getting washboard abs, flipping $300,000 worth of real estate, declaring bankruptcy, gaining 9 pounds, making delicious, preservative-free beef jerky for my family, not being able to get up the stairs in my own home, gaining 4 pounds, having more energy, losing 40 pounds, storing bulky items, not being able to store bulky items, getting out of credit card debt, and gaining 2 pounds in just 30 days.</p>

<p>But wait, there's more! With a 100% gimmick-free, no risk, money-back-guarantee trial, there's nothing to lose! <b>So start living your life the way you want to live it <i>now</i>!</b></p>

<p>Now, were there times when I thought I wouldn't be able to lose 200 pounds, gain 300 pounds, lose 129 pounds, gain 1 pound, become the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, lose 40 pounds, run the company into the ground, lose 20 pounds, get washboard abs, flip $300,000 worth of real estate, and declare bankruptcy, make delicious, preservative-free beef jerky for my family, not be able to get up the stairs in my own home, gain 4 pounds, have more energy, lose 40 pounds, store bulky items, not be able to store bulky items, get out of credit card debt, gain 2 pounds, chop an onion without the tears, have way too much clutter, be able to read in low light, not be able to prevent slips, trips and falls, get tough stains out of bathroom grout, pay for my funeral expenses, hem my own skirts in seconds, gain .0089 pounds, trade my gold in for cash, not be able to get rid of space-wasting kitchen appliances that only do one thing, fix small scratches in my car's finish, read at a rate of 300 words per minute, lose 99,000,000 pounds, make perfect rotisserie chicken in just 90 minutes, gain 3.141592 pounds, learn to speak Italian, Spanish or Chinese, not be able to remove tough stains using the power of oxygen bubbles, and lose 22,000 pounds in just 30 days?</p>

<p>Sure.&nbsp;</p><br><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'I lost 200 pounds, gained 300 pounds, lost 129 Pounds, gained 1 pound,  became the CEO of a fortune 500 company, lost 40 pounds, ran the company into the ground, and lost 20 pounds.',
			'meta_keywords' => 'lose weight, diet, weight loss, thingx, thing x, satire, comedy, humor, lol, adult swim',
			'tweet' => null,
			'tweet_published' => null,
			'created' => '2013-03-25 11:34:11',
			'staged' => '2013-05-07 11:40:27',
			'published' => '2013-05-07 11:41:35',
			'first_published' => '2013-05-07 11:41:35',
			'modified' => '2013-05-08 10:51:54',
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		(int) 14 => array(
			'id' => '234',
			'video_collection_id' => '7',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'Think X with Ronna and Beverly',
			'index_title' => 'Think X with podcasters Ronna and Beverly',
			'blurb' => 'TV and podcast personalities Ronna and Beverly (@RonnaAndBeverly) reveal the truth behind the Tooth Ghost, and give you all the advice you need on standardized testing and male hygiene.',
			'description' => 'TV and podcast personalities Ronna and Beverly (@RonnaAndBeverly) reveal the truth behind the Tooth Ghost, and give you all the advice you need on standardized testing and male hygiene.',
			'keywords' => 'think x, ronna and beverly, Jessica Chaffin, Jamie Denbo, You'™ll Do A Little Better Next Time: A Guide to Marriage and Re-marriage for Jewish Singles, UCB, RonnaBev, comedians, jewish mothers, advice, funny, satire, comedy, SNL, adult swim, thingx',
			'tags' => 'think x',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e7a77fdb20077',
			'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e7a9b1a4a007e',
			'rating' => 'TV-PG',
			'duration' => '186.311',
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			'created' => '2013-05-06 11:31:24',
			'staged' => '2013-05-06 12:10:31',
			'published' => '2013-05-06 12:11:48',
			'first_published' => '2013-05-06 12:11:48',
			'modified' => '2013-05-06 15:53:02',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'Think X'
		),
		(int) 15 => array(
			'id' => '233',
			'video_collection_id' => '14',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'Horses to Watch at the 2013 Kentucky Derby',
			'index_title' => 'Place Your Bets! Exclusive video of this Year's derby frontrunners',
			'blurb' => 'Get the inside picks on the most promising horses to compete in Kentucky Derby. Who will win, and who will be shot dead in front of a million people?',
			'description' => 'Get the inside picks on the most promising horses to compete in Kentucky Derby. Who will win, and who will be shot dead in front of a million people?',
			'keywords' => 'thingx, thing x, kentucky derby, derby 2013, horse racing, horse race, horses, funny, satire, comedy, humor',
			'tags' => '',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e6b288f150071',
			'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e6b28e1b40073',
			'rating' => 'TV-PG',
			'duration' => '96.6633',
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			'created' => '2013-05-03 12:10:21',
			'staged' => '2013-05-03 12:17:49',
			'published' => '2013-05-03 12:18:30',
			'first_published' => '2013-05-03 12:18:30',
			'modified' => '2013-05-03 15:23:56',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'Entertainment'
		),
		(int) 16 => array(
			'id' => '2361',
			'article_collection_id' => null,
			'created_by' => '14',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'How To Make A Mint Julep',
			'index_title' => 'How To Make A Mint Julep',
			'blurb' => 'As Derby Day approaches, Thing X teaches you how to make a perfect Mint Julep. Hint: Bring your own horse.',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><img style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2361/julepmeta.jpg"></p><p><i>
The mint julep has been a staple of every Kentucky Derby since 1938, but you don’t have to be at Churchill Downs in order to enjoy this refreshing and historic bourbon drink. Here’s a favorite recipe that's sure to have you stumbling around like a horse age 21 or older!</i><br>
<br><b>
1. Muddle 4 mint sprigs in a Collins glass.</b> Spearmint leaves are preferred, though in a pinch, you also can easily substitute menthol cigarettes.<br>
<br><b>
2. Try to make your drink indoors</b> as mint juleps are known to attract hippos from up to 10,000 miles away.<br>
<br><b>
3. Carefully crush a sugar cube</b> beneath the hoof of the Kentucky Derby horse you've placed your bet on and add it to the mint.<br>
<br><b>
4. Add a splash of water</b> and swish it around the sides of the glass like a real fancy man.<br>
<br><b>
5. Slowly drizzle 3 oz. of bourbon</b> over your sugar and mint mixture. When done properly, this step should take you 70 minutes.<br>
<br><b>
6. Remember, it's not truly a mint julep until you say the Mint Julep Couplet to your guest:</b> "Borne unto you, with sugar and mint / I didn't cough in it, but there may be some lint."<br>
<br><b>
7. Carefully place completed cocktail on the top of your head</b> as an offering to Epona, the Roman goddess of horses, who was slightly amused by people placing alcoholic beverages on the top of their head. <br>
<br>
<br></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'As Derby Day approaches, Thing X teaches you how to make a perfect Mint Julep. Hint: Bring your own horse.',
			'meta_keywords' => 'Thing X, Mint Julep, Kentucky Derby, alcohol, funny, satire, sports, horse racing',
			'tweet' => null,
			'tweet_published' => null,
			'created' => '2013-05-03 10:38:10',
			'staged' => '2013-05-03 11:50:56',
			'published' => '2013-05-03 11:52:14',
			'first_published' => '2013-05-03 11:52:14',
			'modified' => '2013-05-03 11:47:46',
			'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/8hksxy',
			'thumbnail' => true,
			'status_id' => '4',
			'type' => 'articles'
		),
		(int) 17 => array(
			'id' => '2360',
			'article_collection_id' => null,
			'created_by' => '30',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'Old Man Meme Loses His Home!',
			'index_title' => 'Old Man Meme Loses His Home!',
			'blurb' => 'Uh-oh! Old Man Meme lost his house, and it looks like he's going to get put in a nursing home! Guess just this once, we probably should leave him alone and not turn him into an Internet meme.',
			'body' => '<p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><i>Uh-oh! Old Man Meme lost his house, and it looks like he's going to get put in a nursing home! Guess just this once, we probably should leave him alone and not turn him into an Internet meme...psych! Tough tacos, old man—we're gonna meme you harder than ever!</i></p><p></p><hr><p></p><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm41.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm42.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm43.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm44.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm45.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm46.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm47.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm48.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm49.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><b><br></b></p><p><b>Fun! Now it's your turn to make your own Old Man Meme, Trebek Reverse Mortgage Meme, and Smug Son Meme!</b><br></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/ommblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/trebekblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/sonblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'Uh-oh! Old Man Meme lost his house, and it looks like he's going to get put in a nursing home! Guess just this once, we probably should leave him alone. Nope!',
			'meta_keywords' => 'old man meme, memes, internet jokes, lol, satire, funny, lolz, adult swim, thingx, thing x',
			'tweet' => null,
			'tweet_published' => null,
			'created' => '2013-05-01 15:03:13',
			'staged' => '2013-05-01 17:59:48',
			'published' => '2013-05-02 10:36:10',
			'first_published' => '2013-05-02 10:36:10',
			'modified' => '2013-05-07 17:55:10',
			'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/7WTlaU',
			'thumbnail' => true,
			'status_id' => '4',
			'type' => 'articles'
		),
		(int) 18 => array(
			'id' => '2311',
			'article_collection_id' => null,
			'created_by' => '13',
			'columnist' => '13',
			'title' => 'The Fat Woman In My Mirror',
			'index_title' => 'The Fat Woman&nbsp;In My Mirror',
			'blurb' => 'When Jason Roeder looks in the mirror, there’s nothing but a disgusting fat lady looking back at him.',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p>
<p>“Jason, you’re
crazy!” my friend Abby says at lunch. “Do you have any idea how insane you
sound? Like, truly <i>nuts.</i>” I’ve ordered a side salad but still haven’t eaten half of it. I know
Abby means well, but I also know she’s a size 4. When she looks in the
mirror, she sees someone slender and healthy. When Jason Roeder looks in the
mirror, there’s nothing but a disgusting fat lady looking back at him. </p>

<p>That huge
waistline; those beefy thighs. I can’t even take pride in my large breasts,
knowing they’re only that size because of how obese I am! At least I’m not
forced to look at my backside in the mirror, though sometimes I’ll sneak a peek
at those massive buttocks, crinkled in cellulite. I guess some delusional part
of me hopes I’ll turn around one day and discover that my rear is shapely and
toned. My only consolation? Most mirrors aren’t long enough for me to see how
chunky my calves are.</p>

<p>I tell myself I
should join a Curves, but the one time I tried, I got all these weird looks, as
if to say, “Sorry, we can’t help you here. You’re a lost cause. Just leave. Just get out right now.”</p>

<p>I’ve been fortunate
in some respects. I’m 40, and I’ve never been called “Big
Bertha” or anything demeaning and misogynist like that. No one’s ever asked me
if I was pregnant, and it’s hard to imagine, but I’ve gone this long without
hearing some bully moo at me or make pig noises when I walk by. So, yeah,
I count my blessings, and I try to help others like me.</p>

<p>My friend
Vanessa’s also very overweight. She’s five-foot-seven and about 250 pounds, a
few inches shorter than me but much less heavy. The other day, I told her that
we could lose weight together, that we could push each other and be ready just
in time for bikini season. She just started crying and said, “Why are you
making fun of me, Jason? I thought you were my friend. <i>Why?</i>” </p>

<p>Well, maybe I
wouldn’t be much help. After all, I still haven’t helped myself. Or maybe I’m wrong about everything. Maybe I’m fighting myself when I should be <i>loving
</i>myself. If you want to be accepted, that’s where it starts.</p>

<p>My name is
Jason Roeder: I’m a big, fat woman and I’m proud.</p>

<p><br></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'When Jason Roeder looks in the mirror, there’s nothing but a disgusting fat lady looking back at him.',
			'meta_keywords' => 'fat woman, fat, health, diet, exercise, jason roeder, satire, funny, humor, lol, comedy, thingx, thing x, adult swim',
			'tweet' => 'Fat, proud, woman, me. [LINK]

Don't tell me I'm crazy. I see the fat woman in the mirror. [LINK]

My struggle—and my triumph—as a fat woman. [LINK]',
			'tweet_published' => null,
			'created' => '2013-03-18 14:10:03',
			'staged' => '2013-05-02 10:34:56',
			'published' => '2013-05-02 10:36:03',
			'first_published' => '2013-05-02 10:36:03',
			'modified' => '2013-05-15 17:59:29',
			'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/7DACkw',
			'thumbnail' => true,
			'status_id' => '4',
			'type' => 'articles'
		),
		(int) 19 => array(
			'id' => '232',
			'video_collection_id' => '2',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: Erectile Dysfunction',
			'index_title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: Erectile Dysfunction',
			'blurb' => 'The topic of erectile dysfunction is one of the few topics Dr. Reese enjoys talking about, but the enjoyment doesn't trickle down to the callers.',
			'description' => 'The topic of erectile dysfunction is one of the few topics Dr. Reese enjoys talking about, but the enjoyment doesn't trickle down to the callers.',
			'keywords' => 'dr. sex reese, sex therapy, sex therapist, sex, erectile dysfunction, penis problems, call-in, talk show, thingx, thing x, adult swim',
			'tags' => 'Dr. 'Sex' Reese',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e60a7c7b8005e',
			'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e60b509210065',
			'rating' => 'TV-PG',
			'duration' => '644.978',
			'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/71XFoQ',
			'thumbnail_url' => 'http://i.cdn.turner.com/asfix/repository/8a250ba13a89a05f013a9dea358b0025/the-dr-sex-reese-show-the-dr-sex-reese-show-erectile-dysfunction.jpg',
			'created' => '2013-05-01 11:13:29',
			'staged' => '2013-05-01 13:15:31',
			'published' => '2013-05-01 13:15:56',
			'first_published' => '2013-05-01 13:15:56',
			'modified' => '2013-05-01 13:19:13',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'The Dr. "Sex" Reese Show'
		),
		(int) 20 => array(
			'id' => '231',
			'video_collection_id' => '16',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'Couple on the Bed',
			'index_title' => 'Stock Dump Commentary: Couple on the Bed',
			'blurb' => 'When you've got two people in a bed, you're going to have drama.',
			'description' => 'When you've got two people in a bed, you're going to have drama.',
			'keywords' => 'stock footage, couple on bed, stock, couple, commentary, thing x, thingx, adult swim',
			'tags' => 'Stock Dump Commentary',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e5ccc4af3005a',
			'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e5ccca258005c',
			'rating' => 'TV-PG',
			'duration' => '116.984',
			'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/6IEWys',
			'thumbnail_url' => 'http://i.cdn.turner.com/asfix/repository/8a250ba13e183910013e5cca4c650058/stock-dump-commentary-couple-on-the-bed.jpg',
			'created' => '2013-04-30 17:14:53',
			'staged' => '2013-04-30 17:19:36',
			'published' => '2013-05-01 10:15:02',
			'first_published' => '2013-05-01 10:15:02',
			'modified' => '2013-05-01 10:16:54',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'Stock Dump Commentary'
		),
		(int) 21 => array(
			'id' => '2359',
			'article_collection_id' => null,
			'created_by' => '30',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'Leaked Script: First Look At Jason Collins Biopic',
			'index_title' => 'Leaked Script:&nbsp;A Page from Jason Collins' Biopic',
			'blurb' => 'For the first time anywhere, an exclusive look at a leaked script page from the upcoming Jason Collins biopic.',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p><i>Hollywood sure works fast! Here, for the first time anywhere, is an EXCLUSIVE PEEK at a leaked script page from the upcoming Jason Collins biopic,&nbsp;</i>Man To Man: The Jason Collins Story<i>. Not many details are available, except that James Cameron is set to write and direct, and it's sure to be a tear-jerking slam dunk of a blockbuster!</i><br></p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2359/cover-page.jpg" style=""><br></i></p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2359/script-page.jpg" style=""><br></i></p></p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'For the first time anywhere, an exclusive look at a leaked script page from the upcoming Jason Collins biopic.',
			'meta_keywords' => 'Jason Collins, NBA, gay, basketball, James Cameron, comedy, satire, LOL, funny, thingx, thing x, adult swim',
			'tweet' => null,
			'tweet_published' => null,
			'created' => '2013-04-30 14:58:14',
			'staged' => '2013-04-30 15:02:33',
			'published' => '2013-04-30 15:06:04',
			'first_published' => '2013-04-30 15:06:04',
			'modified' => '2013-05-02 10:36:02',
			'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/8jrlOU',
			'thumbnail' => true,
			'status_id' => '4',
			'type' => 'articles'
		),
		(int) 22 => array(
			'id' => '2357',
			'article_collection_id' => '1',
			'created_by' => '30',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'News FAQ: The Internet Sales Tax',
			'index_title' => 'News FAQ: The Internet Sales Tax',
			'blurb' => 'A piece of legislation that would apply a sales tax to Internet purchases will likely be up for a vote soon. Here are some questions from Internet users in regard to this news story.',
			'body' => '<p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>
</p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2357/meta-internettax.jpg" style=""><br></i></p><p><i>The Marketplace Fairness Act, a piece of legislation that would apply a sales tax to Internet purchases, has recently moved forward in the House of Representatives and will likely be up for a vote in the near future. Here are some of the most frequently asked questions from Internet users in regard to this news story:&nbsp;<br></i></p>

<p><b>Q: Will this affect the music I illegally download?<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: No, this will only affect legitimate transactions and not your ethically questionable online behavior.</span></p>

<p><b>Q: Why don't we just charge brick and mortar stores twice as much tax? They're used to it.&nbsp;<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: That is not how fair tax policies are decided.&nbsp;</span></p>

<p><b>Q: What about sea monkeys? They couldn't possibly tax those little water monkeys I buy online, can they?<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: Sorry; any sea monkeys purchased on the Internet would fall within the scope of this bill. Also, they are just brine shrimp, not actual water monkeys.</span></p>

<p><b>Q: First I have to pay real taxes and now these fake Internet taxes? What the hell?<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: Taxes you pay on the Internet will be "real taxes," the same as any other local and federal taxes you pay.</span></p>

<p><b>Q: Am I considered a "retailer" if I'm selling my own soiled underwear?<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: Ugh. We think so.</span></p>

<p><b>Q: What about stuff that "falls off the back of an Internet truck," if you catch my drift?&nbsp;<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: There will likely be some black market activity intended to circumvent this legislation, but the euphemism you used is not a commonly accepted idiom referring to such activity.&nbsp;</span></p>

<p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2357/5newblur.jpg" style=""><br></span></p>
<p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'A piece of legislation that would apply a sales tax to Internet purchases will likely be up for a vote in the near future. Here are some questions from Internet users in regard to this news story.',
			'meta_keywords' => 'The Marketplace Fairness Act, internet, internet law, internet sales tax, sales tax, tax, buying things on the internet, news faq, financial news, money, thing x, thingx, adult swim',
			'tweet' => null,
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			'created' => '2013-04-30 11:36:39',
			'staged' => '2013-04-30 12:17:12',
			'published' => '2013-04-30 12:17:59',
			'first_published' => '2013-04-30 12:17:59',
			'modified' => '2013-05-09 10:03:18',
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		(int) 23 => array(
			'id' => '2327',
			'article_collection_id' => null,
			'created_by' => '14',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'Landmarks In Gay History',
			'index_title' => 'Landmarks In&nbsp;Gay History',
			'blurb' => 'Jason Collins coming out as the first gay athlete in a major American sport is just the latest of many memorable moments in the history of homosexuality.<br>',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><i>On Monday, NBA center Jason Collins came out to </i>Sports Illustrated<i> as the first openly gay male athlete in a major American sport. To commemorate this landmark moment, here is a look back at some other leaps forward in homosexual equality:</i><br>
</p>
<hr>
<p><b> 197,014 BC:</b> During a break from foraging, two male <i>homo sapiens</i> communicate through crude verbal cues that, while they enjoy orgasms, the idea of coupling with a female does not appeal to them.<br>
</p>

<p><b>Circa 600 BC:</b> The Greek lyric poet Sappho begins the "U-Haul Lesbian" stereotype by moving in with her girlfriend after writing only two poems about her. </p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2327/sapphos2.jpg" style=""></p><p></p>

<p><b></b></p>

<p><b>1463:</b> Polymath Leonardo Da Vinci publicly denies being homosexual, but that just means he totally is.<br>
</p>

<p><b>1775:&nbsp;</b>Paul Revere follows up his famous midnight ride with a second, gay midnight ride, in which he specifically warns homosexuals of advancing British soldiers. <br>
</p><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2327/paulrevere.jpg" style=""></p><p></p>

<p></p>

<p><b>1894:</b> Oscar Wilde is arrested for “deviant acts” and sent to prison, where no deviant acts are ever known to have occurred.
<br>
<br>
<b>1924:</b> Publisher Jack Chick is born.&nbsp;</p>

<p><b></b></p>
<p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2327/comic2.jpg" style=""></p>

<p><b>1956:</b> Four years after his polio vaccine was released in 1952, Jonas Salk proudly announces that additional testing has proved the inoculation “safe and effective for homosexuals as well.”<br>
</p>

<p><b>2003:</b> The United States Supreme Court strikes down sodomy laws, pretty much making it open season for the nonstop fuck-and-suck-fest in the streets that has continued to this day.
<br>
</p>

<p><b>2011:</b> The world at large collectively realizes that it doesn't at all care whether Tom Cruise is gay, much as they wouldn't really be too bothered if he fell into a volcano or sucked through a jet's engine. </p><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2327/tomcruise.jpg" style=""></p><p></p>

<p></p>

<p><b>April 29, 2013:</b> A brave copy editor comes out of the closet in a subtle, understated way, inspired by a gay-themed web article he is currently proofreading.<br>
</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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			'meta_keywords' => 'gay, gay marriage, gay history, humor, funny, lol, thing x, thingx, adult swim',
			'tweet' => null,
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			'created' => '2013-03-28 13:09:01',
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			'first_published' => '2013-04-29 15:04:14',
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		(int) 24 => array(
			'id' => '230',
			'video_collection_id' => '7',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'Think X with Eugene Mirman',
			'index_title' => 'Think X with Eugene Mirman',
			'blurb' => 'Comedian and philanthropist Eugene Mirman describes his fitness regimen and the key to happiness.',
			'description' => 'Comedian and philanthropist Eugene Mirman describes his fitness regimen and the key to happiness.',
			'keywords' => 'thing x, thingx, eugene mirman, bob's burgers, comedian, funny, comedy, satire, stand up, adult swim',
			'tags' => 'think x',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e56e15d94004b',
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			'created' => '2013-04-29 13:40:11',
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			'first_published' => '2013-04-29 14:05:10',
			'modified' => '2013-04-29 14:03:34',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'Think X'
		),
		(int) 25 => array(
			'id' => '2314',
			'article_collection_id' => null,
			'created_by' => '14',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'Try The Thing X Juice Cleanse!',
			'index_title' => 'Try The Thing X Juice Cleanse!',
			'blurb' => 'Day 1: Carefully milk the fangs of a banded krait snake, native to Australia, into your "Day One" <br>juice mixture...',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i></i></span></p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2314/meta-health-juicecleanse.jpg" style=""></i></p><i><br></i><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i>Juice cleanses are ideal for losing weight and ridding the body of toxins—and now you don’t need to spend a lot of money to reap the benefits! Just follow the Thing X plan and you’ll feel better in only seven days!<br>
</i></span></p><hr><h4>Prep:</h4>
<p>For your last meal before starting, you'll want to absolutely go to town. Gorge yourself on sweets, fatty foods, meats, and carbs. Then, immediately after the meal, shove your hand down your throat and throw it all up. Go eat a pound of seaweed and drink a liter of water to prepare your stomach for the purifying cleanse to come.<br>
</p><h4>Day one:</h4>
 <p>Carefully milk the fangs of a <i>banded krait </i>snake, native to Australia, into your "Day One" juice mixture. Make sure to keep the amount of venom precisely between 0.06 and 0.07 mml — any more and you'll die! Also, before bed, give yourself a saltwater and honey enema and really swish it around up there.<br>
</p><h4>Day two:</h4>
 <p>Grind up three mummified cats from the tomb of an ancient Egyptian nobleman and mix the powder with two cups of olive oil and one cup of mud flap runoff. Drink it.<br>
</p><h4>Day three:</h4>
 <p>Tell every single person you see, in every single situation, regardless of how well you know him or her, that you are on a juice cleanse. This step is <b>absolutely crucial</b> to a successful cleanse. Drain as many knees as required for two cups of fluid. Blend with corn husks and red ants, and drink at room temperature. <br>
</p><h4>Day four:</h4>
 <p>You can't juice cashews, so get that out of your head right now.<br>
</p><h4>Day five:</h4>
 <p>Time for some fun! Make a big, beautiful stack of buttermilk pancakes topped with a pat of Irish butter and slathered in real maple syrup, then throw them in the garbage, douse them with lighter fluid and set the whole thing on fire. Drink 12 pints of your own neon-yellow urine. Call your mother at the exact point of maximum hunger-induced delirium. The resultant brutal honesty and complete emotional collapse could produce some real breakthroughs, which is a nice side effect those <i>other</i> cleanses can't even come close to offering.<br>
</p><h4>Day six:</h4>
 <p>Add six tablespoons of spinach milk to a bucket of chili and milk. (Spinach milk can be purchased at most health food stores or can be manually drawn from the dime-sized nipples appearing on a female spinach leaf.) Drink it.<br>
</p><h4>Day seven:</h4>
<p>We can't give you the recipe, or legally recommend it, but Human juice has all the nutrients you will ever need.</p>
<hr>
<p><i>It’s that simple! Now go out and enjoy the energy and vitality of a healthier you!</i></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'Juice cleanses are ideal for losing weight and ridding the body of built-up toxins. You don’t need to spend a lot of money on fancy cleanses. Just follow the Thing X plan and you’ll feel better in only seven days!',
			'meta_keywords' => 'juice cleanse, health, diet, juice, thing x, thingx, adult swim, funny, satire, lol',
			'tweet' => null,
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			'created' => '2013-03-21 14:35:23',
			'staged' => '2013-04-26 11:55:39',
			'published' => '2013-04-26 11:56:21',
			'first_published' => '2013-04-26 11:51:33',
			'modified' => '2013-04-29 09:52:07',
			'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/3lBnfW',
			'thumbnail' => true,
			'status_id' => '4',
			'type' => 'articles'
		),
		(int) 26 => array(
			'id' => '229',
			'video_collection_id' => '6',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'Tim and Gregg's top 5 films of 2013 so far',
			'index_title' => 'On Cinema: Tim and Gregg's top 5 films of 2013&nbsp;so far',
			'blurb' => 'What a year for movies! Here's a look back at the best of the best of Tim and Gregg's favorite 2013 movies so far.',
			'description' => 'What a year for movies! Here's a look back at the best of the best of Tim and Gregg's favorite 2013 movies so far.',
			'keywords' => 'thingx, thing x, on cinema, tim heidecker, gregg turkington, top films, top films of 2013, movies, film, film review, best films of 2013, identity theft, the company you keep, oz the great and powerful, g.i. joe retaliation',
			'tags' => 'on cinema',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e42910c020042',
			'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e429162b90044',
			'rating' => 'TV-PG',
			'duration' => '314.381',
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			'created' => '2013-04-25 15:00:02',
			'staged' => '2013-04-25 15:00:30',
			'published' => '2013-04-25 15:02:25',
			'first_published' => '2013-04-25 15:02:25',
			'modified' => '2013-04-25 15:12:00',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'On Cinema'
		),
		(int) 27 => array(
			'id' => '2355',
			'article_collection_id' => null,
			'created_by' => '30',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'Old Man Meme Buries His Wife',
			'index_title' => 'Old Man Meme&nbsp;Buries His Wife',
			'blurb' => 'Uh-oh! Looks like it's Old Man Meme's wife's funeral! Guess we should probably give him some space to grieve and…Uh, how 'bout FORGET IT, buddy!',
			'body' => '<p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>
</p><p><i>Uh-oh! Looks like it's Old Man Meme's wife's funeral! Guess we should probably give him some space to grieve and…Uh, how 'bout FORGET IT, buddy! You're gonna get memed extra-hard today, you stupid old man!</i></p><hr><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm31.jpg" style=""><br><p></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm32.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm33.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm34.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm35.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm36.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm3722.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p></p><p><b>Fun! Now it's your turn to make your own Old Man Meme, Interrupted Priest Meme, and Unintentional Urn Meme!</b></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/ommblank.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/priest-blank.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/urnblank3.jpg" style=""><br></p><br><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'Uh-oh! Looks like it's Old Man Meme's wife's funeral! Guess we should probably give him some space to grieve and…Uh, how 'bout FORGET IT, buddy!',
			'meta_keywords' => 'old man meme, memes, internet meme, lol, funny, satire, internet jokes, adult swim, thingx, thing x',
			'tweet' => null,
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			'created' => '2013-04-24 14:01:27',
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		(int) 28 => array(
			'id' => '2332',
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			'created_by' => '13',
			'columnist' => null,
			'title' => 'The Sociopath's Calorie Counter',
			'index_title' => 'The Sociopath's Calorie Counter',
			'blurb' => 'If you are a sociopath, this chart will help you calculate how many calories you burn as you act in accordance with your frightening personality disorder.',
			'body' => '<p><p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>If you are a sociopath, the chart below will help you
calculate how many calories you burn through everyday activities as an insane person. Note that the figures provided are approximations: The
precise number of calories a monster such as yourself will burn depends on
a variety of factors, including gender, weight, and overall metabolism.</p><p></p><hr><p></p>

<p></p>

<p></p><p></p><p></p><p><i style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"></i></p><p><i style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2332/chart2.jpg" style=""></i></p><p></p><hr><p><i style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Consult your doctor before starting any new exercise
program. Or, better yet, just turn yourself in, you sick sonofabitch.</i></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p></p>',
			'meta_description' => 'If you are a sociopath, this chart will help you calculate how many calories you burn as you act in accordance with your frightening personality disorder.',
			'meta_keywords' => 'sociopath, burn calories, health, mental disorder, personality disorder, satire, lol, funny, thingx, thing x, adult swim',
			'tweet' => null,
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			'created' => '2013-04-03 13:56:02',
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			'first_published' => '2013-04-24 10:45:34',
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		),
		(int) 29 => array(
			'id' => '228',
			'video_collection_id' => '15',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'The Original Vacuum Cat',
			'index_title' => 'The Original Vacuum Cat',
			'blurb' => 'It's the hottest thing to hit the Internet since the last hottest cat video.',
			'description' => 'It's the hottest thing to hit the Internet since the last hottest cat video.',
			'keywords' => 'thingx, cat vacuum, cat vaccuum, cat, cat with vacuum, russian cat, adult swim, cat video, funny, thing x, lol, cat licking vacuum, cat licks vacuum, vacuum, internet cat, internet memes',
			'tags' => 'memes',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e3386a2010039',
			'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e3386e96b003b',
			'rating' => 'TV-PG',
			'duration' => '38.6637',
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			'created' => '2013-04-22 16:54:22',
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			'published' => '2013-04-22 16:56:05',
			'first_published' => '2013-04-22 16:56:05',
			'modified' => '2013-04-22 16:54:45',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'Memes'
		),
		(int) 30 => array(
			'id' => '226',
			'video_collection_id' => '7',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'Think X with Damien Fahey',
			'index_title' => 'Think X with&nbsp;Damien Fahey',
			'blurb' => 'TV host and comedy writer Damien Fahey gives important advice to successful white people and manic depressives, then proves the lengths he'll go to for gummy snacks.',
			'description' => 'TV host and comedy writer Damien Fahey gives important advice to successful white people and manic depressives, then proves the lengths he'll go to for gummy snacks.',
			'keywords' => 'thingx, damien fahey, fleetwood mac, U2, MTV, Total Request Live, I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!, TRL, The Classic Futures, here's johnny, think x, big think, interview, comedian, funny, lol, thing x',
			'tags' => 'think x',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e3331d3160025',
			'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e3347a3250031',
			'rating' => 'TV-PG',
			'duration' => '174.466',
			'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/3bf10A',
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			'created' => '2013-04-22 15:21:44',
			'staged' => '2013-04-22 15:45:51',
			'published' => '2013-04-22 15:46:34',
			'first_published' => '2013-04-22 15:46:34',
			'modified' => '2013-04-30 12:16:30',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'Think X'
		),
		(int) 31 => array(
			'id' => '225',
			'video_collection_id' => '6',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'The Future of Cinema',
			'index_title' => 'On Cinema: The Future of Cinema',
			'blurb' => 'From the archives: A healthier Tim discusses his predictions for the future of cinema with guest Gregg Turkington.',
			'description' => 'From the archives: A healthier Tim discusses his predictions for the future of cinema with guest Gregg Turkington.',
			'keywords' => 'thingx, thing x, tim heidecker, gregg turkington, the hobbit, lord of the rings, cinema, movies, film review, funny, satire, humor, adult swim',
			'tags' => 'on cinema',
			'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e1e1f859b0012',
			'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e1e391c180019',
			'rating' => 'TV-PG',
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			'created' => '2013-04-18 13:09:43',
			'staged' => '2013-04-18 13:46:58',
			'published' => '2013-04-18 13:48:21',
			'first_published' => '2013-04-18 13:43:24',
			'modified' => '2013-04-18 13:50:37',
			'type' => 'videos',
			'collection' => 'On Cinema'
		),
		(int) 32 => array(
			'id' => '224',
			'video_collection_id' => '2',
			'category' => 'Comedy',
			'title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: The Orgasm',
			'index_title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: The Orgasm',
			'blurb' => 'Doctor 'Sex' Reese is dragged through his past as he talks to two previous callers while discussing The Orgasm.',
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			'blurb' => 'This week On Cinema reviews the latest releases by Soderbergh and Spielberg, including 'Jurassic Park 3D', where Tim shows his staunch devotion to the third dimension.',
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		'blurb' => 'As the insurrection against the dictator Bashar al-Assad has escalated into a full-on war, many people are calling for the U.S. to aid Syrian rebels. Here are questions from around the web.',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p>
</p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i></i></span></p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2367/meta-faq-syria.jpg" style=""></i></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i>As the insurrection against the dictator Bashar al-Assad has escalated into a full-on war, many people, including Senator John McCain, are calling for the United States to aid Syrian rebels. Here are some of the questions people from around the web have regarding a possible third war:</i></span><br></p>

<p><b>Q: We won the Middle East Wars a long time ago when we killed Hussein and Osama though, right?<br></b>
A: No, the Iraq War had no clear victor, and "the Middle East Wars" is not the name of a real war.</p>

<p><b>Q: People are worried that we'll get drawn into another Iraq or Afghanistan. Why? Did someone get hurt?</b><br>
A: Yes. Many thousands of people have been killed or injured.</p>

<p><b>Q: Won't getting into war be good for the economy? It worked during World War 2.</b> <br>
A: Allow us to refer you to the past 10 years.</p>

<p><b>Q: Will invading Syria stabilize the region?</b><br>
A: Thus far, invading sovereign nations has not proven to stabilize the region, but who knows? Perhaps the third time is the charm.</p>

<p><b>Q: I felt sad when the man on the radio said we should nuke them all and let God sort them out. But he IS a man on the radio, so I'm torn.</b><br>
A: While the current crisis is complex and potentially dangerous, it doesn't justify recklessly killing millions of people.</p>

<p><b>Q: I fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I'm worried that a war in Syria won't be some kind of pointless fiasco with no end in sight. How can I make sure my life will be treated frivolously by the government?</b><br>
A: While a humanitarian intervention in Syria might be more straightforward than the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan, you probably don't have anything to worry about.</p>

<p><b>Q. If the U.S. ends up in another war in the Middle East, the military may as well just invade Iran at that point, right?</b><br>
A. Who is this? Is this Benjamin Netanyahu? We told you to get the hell out of here, Netanyahu!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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		'title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: 'Collaborators'',
		'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: What it's Like to Screw a Meatloaf',
		'blurb' => 'Poet Tricia Lockwood recaps the latest episode of Mad Men ("Collaborators") as it was always meant to be recapped: in verse.',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Three</i><br>
<br>
 First of all, who the hell drew these promos — <br>
 a chimp with a whole thing of colored pencils<br>
 up his ass? I hate it. Don Draper hates it<br>
<br>
 OK. It's the 70s now, which means one thing:<br>
 Sex party. Sex party. Sex party. Sex party<br>
 Soon Don Draper will have a word <br>
 for what he is,<br>
 which is: Swinger<br>
<br>
 I was a swinger from almost the moment <br>
 of my birth. Just look at this depressing flashback<br>
 of me as a horny teen covered with dirt<br>
 Remember how beautiful it was to be young?<br>
 Me neither. I was a gross little hobo kid<br>
 whose pregnant stepmom did it with a rooster<br>
<br>
 Speaking of gross,<br>
 Pete is somehow managing to commit adultery<br>
 though even God doesn't understand how<br>
 He puts his hands all over an actual woman<br>
 Oh god his breathing is so steamy<br>
 How has Pete ever gotten to have sex with anything<br>
 at all, including a meatloaf?<br>
<br>
 Theme of this episode is:<br>
 KETCHUP<br>
 IS<br>
 BLOOD<br>
<br>
 Blood of betrayal, blood of sensuality, blood<br>
 of loss, blood of the theater<br>
<br>
 Blood that goes into the penis to make Boner<br>
<br>
 The bean man is enemy of the ketchup man<br>
 The bean man is Farting Madness Out His Mouth<br>
 The bean man wants Don Draper to pay attention <br>
 to him and his beans ALONE<br>
 He wants to loll nakedly in a warm tub of beans<br>
 While I, Don Draper, take his picture<br>
<br>
 "NO ketchup!" he yells at me<br>
 But if I don't put ketchup on the meatloaf,<br>
 Pete Campbell won't be tricked into fucking it<br>
<br>
 I can't believe this French-ass wife of mine<br>
 let Don Draper's child escape from her<br>
 in the form of a miscarriage! Also, what is a miscarriage<br>
 exactly? Is it like when you have a bad advertising idea<br>
<br>
 Is a miscarriage like The Bean Ballet<br>
<br>
 Wait, now my wife is crying "like a baby"<br>
 that she's glad she didn't have to get <br>
 my abortion? What the hell<br>
<br>
 I'm Don Draper<br>
 I've never had an abortion <br>
 but I bet I would be fine<br>
 Bam. Abortion. Bam<br>
<br>
 No, I don't mind eating a sensual <br>
 Spaghetti Dinner with my wife, my girlfriend <br>
 and her small chode of a husband<br>
 who has nothing better to do than operate <br>
 on freaking HEARTS hearts all day<br>
 Because I am a swinger now!<br>
 I want my entire body to be a rugburn<br>
 from doing it on a shag carpet<br>
<br>
 Try the veal<br>
<br>
 Oh my god I just thought of something<br>
 When the heart surgeon husband finds out<br>
 about me he'll probably says something<br>
 like, "How do I operate on MY OWN heart?”<br>
 Then I'll turn to the camera<br>
 and wink while Matthew Weiner wins an imaginary<br>
 Emmy in his own bathroom<br>
<br>
 Hello, Pete Campbell? This is the President <br>
 of the United States, taking a break <br>
 from this whole Vietnam business to tell you<br>
 that you are never allowed to fuck anything again<br>
 Not even a meatloaf<br>
<br>
 Hahahaha just kidding it's me, Don Draper<br>
 I'm pranking you<br>
 But seriously<br>
 I hope you never get to touch another butt<br>
 I hope you are deprived forever of the sweet <br>
 cream of a woman's face, which rises to the top<br>
 of her glass of milk<br>
 And also I hope Trudy cuts your balls off<br>
<br>
 What is going ON with this Italian side-dish of mine<br>
 She doesn't even want to eat Prego with me in public<br>
 She just wants to get home and have me plunge into<br>
 her meat sauce, with my noodle<br>
<br>
 Why is she being such a SUPER bitch to me?<br>
 One answer: because she wants the d extremely bad<br>
 "You want to feel shitty right up to the point <br>
 where I take your dress off!" What I don't tell her<br>
 is that the reason I am so madly ripping dresses off<br>
 is because it is the 70s now and clothes are getting mega-<br>
 ugly with hayride colors and atomic flowers<br>
 I consider it my duty to rip these clothes off America<br>
<br>
 "I want you, I want you all the time," I say, and by "you"<br>
 I mean "all women"<br>
 I want to fuck both the specific and the general Woman<br>
 I want to stare deep into the composite face<br>
 as I sink deep into the composite pussy<br>
<br>
 Why is this? Because once I watched my stepmom <br>
 do Ho Business through a keyhole<br>
<br>
 And I pitched a huge hobo tent in my nightdress<br>
<br>
 Time for a commercial break<br>
 Let me get one thing straight: Don Draper is a Bing man<br>
 I binged some things this morning<br>
 I binged "breasts"<br>
 and I binged "advertising"<br>
 and I binged "Don Draper getting head in a sweet Jaguar<br>
 while driving really well and not swerving on the road at all"<br>
 I just wanted to see what it would look like<br>
<br>
 The big Jaguar is trying so hard to fuck me<br>
 but I, Don Draper, do NOT do jungle cats<br>
 The big Jaguar wants to be on television<br>
 growling about coupons, but I'll give you<br>
 a coupon, Jaguar: one free go fuck yourself<br>
<br>
 Is it just me or are the women in this episode<br>
 being much more rude and bloodthirsty than usual<br>
 Joan insinuates that a man cannot see his penis <br>
 past his Santabelly<br>
 Peggy is trying to steal ketchup from me<br>
 Trudy is going to kill Pete the next time he pees<br>
<br>
 CUT HIS BALLS OFF, TRUDY<br>
 CUT OFF PETE CAMPBELL'S BALLS<br>
 TELL THEM THEY'RE NO LONGER PLANETS,<br>
 LIKE PLUTO, THEN CUT THEM LOOSE<br>
 FROM THE SUN'S ORBIT AND SEND<br>
 THEM SPINNING INTO SPACE<br>
<br>
 A song begins to play as I walk down the hall,<br>
 and wow, talk about a song that is extremely appropriate<br>
 for my situation? JUST A GIGOLO EVERYWHERE I GO<br>
<br>
 I collapse on the carpet in front of my own door<br>
 covered in sex Prego and my own shame<br>
 perhaps hoping that if I put my eye to the keyhole<br>
 I'll see my "prego" stepmom in there going down<br>
 on my "prego" wife<br>
<br>
 (You may not have noticed this before but my show<br>
 is extremely deep with symbolism, such as what<br>
 I am saying right now about the Prego)<br>
<br>
 You thought space was the final frontier<br>
 but actually the final frontier is me, Don Draper,<br>
 watching my stepmom have sex with my wife<br>
 Watching my pregnant stepmom getting my wife<br>
 SO pregnant<br>
 with me, Don Draper, who must be born again</p>
<br>
<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i></i></p><p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p><p>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-for-immediate-release-2362">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a><br>•&nbsp;Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'<br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm">Season 6 Premiere</a></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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		'title' => 'Mad Men poetry recap: Season 6 Premiere',
		'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: Season Six Premiere',
		'blurb' => 'Poet Tricia Lockwood recaps the season six premiere of Man Men – in verse.',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><i><br>
Season 6, Episode 1</i><br>
<br>
 So I know what you're all wondering<br>
 Did Don Draper fuck a prostitute last year<br>
 Hear me now:<br>
<br>
 DON<br>
 DRAPER <br>
 DOES <br>
 NOT<br>
 FUCK<br>
 PROSTITUTES<br>
<br>
 Or does he? Sometimes he does,<br>
 when he's mad or sad or needs a SPANK<br>
 or sees a prostitute that looks just like his wife<br>
 (Irony)<br>
 or when a season needs to end<br>
 with a sexy cliffhanger<br>
 where a sexy prostitute is hanging off a cliff<br>
<br>
 Well everybody shut up. This episode is<br>
 about something way sexier than prostitutes:<br>
 Death<br>
<br>
 I'm Don Draper and I'm dead. I'm so comfortable<br>
 in hell that it feels like Hawaii. Oh shit, it IS<br>
 Hawaii. Maybe if I weren't smoking so much WEED<br>
 with my hot French WIFE I wouldn't keep <br>
 making that mistake<br>
<br>
 I'm high right now actually. Do you think it would be cool ...<br>
 to be opposite of born? What if my hand weren't even here?<br>
 What will it feel like<br>
 to fuck nothingness instead of France?<br>
<br>
 A little soldier is telling me about Vietnam, WHY<br>
 Now he's asking me to give away his bride<br>
 Do NOT let me give away your bride, dude<br>
 I will f her and then take over your identity<br>
<br>
 I am very horny to take over GI identities<br>
<br>
 I ate roasted pig earlier and it tasted delicious, but<br>
 in this light, I suddenly look a bit like a roasted pig<br>
 myself. Is this ... Age? Is this ... Mortality?<br>
 Wow, good questions. Stay tuned<br>
<br>
 I arrive home from Hawaii only to be greeted by Death<br>
 in the form of a Doorman who ... Dies<br>
 A Doorman who goes through the ... Door<br>
 Sometimes this show is not very subtle about its metaphors<br>
<br>
 There's Roger lying on a therapist's couch<br>
 with his little baby butt all full of LSD<br>
 He is absolutely shitting mandalas<br>
 at this point in his life<br>
<br>
 Meanwhile<br>
 Betty is getting VERY turned on by the thought<br>
 of her husband raping an underage violin<br>
 I ... don't know<br>
 I barf later on. This might be the reason<br>
<br>
 Peggy needs a new idea because of Vietnam<br>
 and ear pendants. This is why war<br>
 "is hell." Wars are always trying to ruin <br>
 our advertising ideas with their atrocities <br>
 and I for one am TIRED of it<br>
<br>
 Roger is so good at therapy, you guys<br>
 He yells in a voice <br>
 from his bowels, "DOOR!<br>
 ROGER IS ... AFRAID OF DOOR!"<br>
 Like me, Don Draper, he is so afraid of doors<br>
 and windows and gates<br>
 Anything that opens and closes<br>
 except his pants<br>
<br>
 Peggy, don't you miss me?<br>
 My team is openly smoking dope with their huge beards<br>
 and LOVING it<br>
 Look at us. We're posing all over the freaking stairs,<br>
 looking amazing and elegant — Joan is so sexy as usual<br>
 Roger's hands are even tinier than you remember<br>
 Pete is growing sideburns<br>
 and trying to say some Hawaiian words<br>
 Harry is a tumbleweed of pubic hair<br>
 rolling past a used car dealership<br>
<br>
 No one has to think about severed ears at all<br>
<br>
 Also, I don't want to brag, but<br>
 I, DON DRAPER, AM A COVERGIRL NOW<br>
 Spreading my trouser bulges for everyone<br>
 Doing cigarette porn, lighter porn ...<br>
 Realization that I'm not who I say I am porn<br>
<br>
 WHO IS MYSELF, I cry as I stare at the lighter<br>
 of a little army boy whose identity <br>
 I accidentally ate<br>
 Along with that roast pig<br>
<br>
 SPEAKING<br>
 OF<br>
 THE<br>
 MONSTER<br>
 WHO<br>
 EATS<br>
 IDENTITY<br>
<br>
 Roger's mommy dead!<br>
 She was 91 ... what happened?<br>
 A door slammed on her, probably<br>
<br>
 Allow me to tipple a little gold liquid <br>
 into my mouth at the funeral<br>
 You know my mother's breastmilk tasted <br>
 like turkey feathers<br>
 and that's why I love liquor today. I miss <br>
 my mother, I want my mother. Everyone <br>
 else's mother is alive<br>
<br>
 Especially Pete Campbell's, which makes sense<br>
 because he's an eternal evil baby<br>
 But I, Dick Whitman, was born old,<br>
 and those who are born old do not get mothers<br>
<br>
 Roger's mom was in love with him. She said,<br>
 "One time, applying cream to his butt, I saw<br>
 a sunbeam shine out." I, Don Draper, simply BARF<br>
 and the dude in charge of this show's vomit sounds<br>
 gets a raise so big that HE throws up<br>
<br>
 I'm so happy to have barfed on a funeral<br>
 I think it showed how full of life I was —<br>
 so full I had to puke it. I'm so full of extra<br>
 life that as they carry me through the Door<br>
 I blurt out to the Doorman, "What'd you see <br>
 when you died?"<br>
<br>
 A light. A light. Everyone sees a light, <br>
 but is it light like hot tropical sunshine<br>
 or light like what shone<br>
 from my bad friend's bottom<br>
<br>
 The underage violin has run away<br>
 and Betty is worried that she will start playing <br>
 Rock<br>
 and <br>
 Roll<br>
 In a rat house, Betty sees "druggos"<br>
 (I believe that's what they're called. Druggos)<br>
 getting handjobs among the rats<br>
 and thinks: DERELICTION<br>
 But no. They are men of taste. They steal <br>
 paprika for goulash<br>
<br>
 Or wait hahaha<br>
 should I be spelling it "ghoulash"<br>
 because ... Death<br>
<br>
 You see, she's in a circle of hell!<br>
 "It's so much better to be hot than cold,"<br>
 says a filthy druggo. The point of this episode<br>
 is that we're ALL in a circle of hell, and that circle<br>
 of hell is the fact that Matthew Weiner <br>
 read "The Inferno" in high school<br>
<br>
 Roger gives his daughter a jar of piss<br>
 Excuse me, "water from the river Jordan"<br>
 She puts it away to drink later<br>
 She must drink piss because her husband<br>
 is not successful<br>
<br>
 She cries, "Refrigeration is the wave of the future!"<br>
 Girl, you are so right<br>
 You could refrigerate that piss INDEFINITELY<br>
<br>
 Now it is time for Don Draper<br>
 to do what Don Draper does best. Let me sell<br>
 Hawaii, where I was dead. Let me sell <br>
 the afterlife, which is no pain, which is warmth,<br>
 which is light, which is weightlessness in the water<br>
<br>
 WATCH ME SELL THE "HELL" <br>
 OUT OF SUICIDE<br>
 TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE<br>
<br>
 But wait. They do not like it?<br>
 Quelle surprise<br>
<br>
 "What is it like to have someone's life in your hands?"<br>
 I ask the heart doctor. I don't know the answer to that question,<br>
 but I DO know the answer to the question, "What is it like<br>
 to have my dick <br>
 in your wife's hands"<br>
<br>
 Because I'm fucking his wife<br>
<br>
 Oh, what<br>
 WHAT<br>
 Like you're so perfect<br>
 You're reading Mad Men poetry online<br>
<br>
 WHY ARE YOU IDIOTS EVER SURPRISED<br>
 WHEN IT TURNS OUT I'M CHEATING <br>
 WITH A LUSCIOUS OLD BRUNETTE???<br>
<br>
 Remember when Alcoholism forced me to keep a diary<br>
 Well I still keep it<br>
 I write, "I FUCK BRUNETTES AND FEAR DEATH" <br>
 in that goddamn diary every night. Those are the two<br>
 main things about me. I fuck brunettes and I fear<br>
 death. When I fuck the brunette of death<br>
 itself only then will I know <br>
 Peace<br>
<br>
 The oldest, most luscious brunette, Death</p>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

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<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p><p>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-for-immediate-release-2362">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a><br>•&nbsp;Season 6 Premiere</p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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		'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: Remember When Megan Was Sexy?',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Four</i><br>
<br>
 Remember how I told you last week <br>that I was becoming a swinger? You laughed,<br>but it turns out the theme of this episode<br>is threesomes, foursomes, <br>and hot dogs and burgers doing it while<br>a bottle of ketchup cums a single drop<br><br>"Heinz. The ONLY way a tomato cums"<br><br>If I were trying to think of a slogan now<br>that's probably what I would come up with,<br>but you couldn't be as edgy in the past<br><br>(Also I didn't learn the word "cum" until 1993,<br>at a sex ed class in my nursing home)<br><br>First, time to ride in an elevator with my minky<br>mistress who is wearing like a hundred furs<br>to remind me how many pubes she has<br>We stop the elevator to french a bit<br>and suddenly I have a great idea for a song<br>Something like "eating muff in a elevator"<br>"Eating the muff as I go down floors"<br>It might need some work<br><br>I have to tell you, whenever I see Stan I love him more<br>He's like a Flintstone had sex with the Space Age<br>Now we're hiding in a tinfoil cave together<br>and he tells me I must smoke weed to clear<br>the cobwebs, so I get extremely high with him<br>and look at pictures of pigs in blankets<br>and think about "the wiener" and what it needs<br><br>Which is KETCHUP<br><br>Oh great my WIFE is so EXCITED<br>to have SIMULATED SEX with a man named ROD<br>Well guess what I do not care for this development<br>despite me sticking my dick into random lasagnas<br>every chance I get. Does that surprise you? <br>I contain multitudes<br><br>Remember when Megan was sexy?<br>And then the show was like,
"No she isn't anymore"<br>The true sexy woman wears a muff<br>in an elevator while I "dive down" on her<br><br>Forget about sexy women, though<br>What the public really wants to see<br>is Joe Namath in a pair of pantyhose<br>kicking one leg up and singing <br>"Napalm!" <br>while babies tapdance behind him<br>Babies who have never even heard of Vietnam<br><br>Two people are up all night thinking about<br>ketchup, trying to have ideas about ketchup<br>The high wattage of the human mind turned on ketchup,<br>the horsepower of the human mind hitched to ketchup<br>Listen to me. Everyone hates advertising,<br>but it is the very fingertip of human intelligence<br>to point hard at anything, to say "look at this"<br><br>Peggy walks past me and the blood<br>in her cheeks is as bold as Heinz<br>I stare at my student with a sudden <br>catch of information in my face<br>like a hoop <br>that has received a basketball,<br><br>I listen at the door, I hear her voice<br>sink neatly, and just like that! I lose<br><br>All right. Let's think about this. If I, Don Draper, had a foursome,<br>the other participants would have to be God, Martin Luther King Jr.,<br>and ... let me see ... Caligula<br>This is just off the top of my head<br>Oh! Maybe also God's hot brunette mother<br><br>The people who would NOT be included in my foursome<br>are these old-ass gremlins <br>who want me to smoke "grass" at their "pad"<br>and my current so-called "wife," whatever her name is<br>I hope she gets replaced in the night like Bobby<br>Read the wrinkles on my forehead, perverts<br>They say "I WILL NEVER FUCK YOU" in cuneiform<br><br>You can tell Joan is in trouble in this episode because <br>she's wearing ruffles and is painted like a clown<br>with a single tear running down her disrespected cheek<br>Now she's in some sort of psychedelic fuck club<br>and druids are whooping in the background<br>while she has an orgy with the sad past <br>and the unknown future<br>With her old self and her new<br><br>Life, friends, is boring<br>So is this episode<br>until it turns out everyone is gonna have a foursome<br><br>Except my wife. I DO NOT LIKE my french maid wife<br>getting fucked fictionally or otherwise by anyone<br>who is not me<br>But who ISN'T me, at this point<br><br>Dick Whitman is me, Jon Hamm is me,<br>Santa is me, at Christmastime<br><br>I'm "Don Draper." How am I capable of containing <br>so many moods, contradictions, winds, weathers,<br>faces like the faces of a crowd<br>In short how am I capable of being so many men<br><br>And why are all of them so horny</p>
<br>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p><p>• <a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-for-immediate-release-2362">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>•&nbsp;Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'<br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm">Season 6 Premiere</a><br></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Five</i><br>
<br>
 Let me get philosophical for a minute:<br><br>Mad Men is interesting because it's a show<br>about ideas, about ideas and how people get them,<br>what gasolines go in, what wheels turn,<br>what faces look like when they do, and what hours <br>of the night will simply crack open and show <br>a person something -- late hours, and early hours<br><br>But it is also a show about how society gets ideas<br>That we should all start wearing<br>extremely loud plaid, for example<br>Or that we do not like the war<br><br>Miniskirts, music, an obsession with Hawaii,<br>the kind of drugs we want to take -- are all ideas<br>that a culture catches little fires with, here and there,<br>and then suddenly the whole country is lit up<br><br>Or that assassination is possible<br>Once, and then again, and then again --<br>Bobby Kennedy is still alive <br>in this poem, but not for long<br><br>It is about how restlessness joins other<br>restlessness and becomes movements<br><br>Remember that "flashover" is the point<br>when a fire in a room becomes a room on fire<br>Flashover happens too to crowds, cities, <br>countries, heads of individual men --<br>a fire in them becomes them on fire<br><br>If you want to know what happened<br>in this episode, it is this:<br>Martin Luther King Jr. was shot<br>in the face on April 4th, 1968<br>on the balcony of a motel<br><br>And people woke up the next morning<br>and went on with their lives: Pete missed his wife,<br>Harry was upset that Bewitched got interrupted,<br>Abe walked through lit-up Harlem and was exhilarated,<br>Henry walked through lit-up Harlem and decided <br>to be a senator, Peggy didn't get the apartment,<br>Dawn could hardly make her way here and then <br>suffered the indignity of being hugged by Joan,<br>not as a person but as a representative of sorrow,<br>Ginsberg admitted he was a virgin in a diner <br>to a chess baby his dad wanted him to marry, <br>a TREMENDOUSLY AWESOME dude named Randall<br>tried to communicate with everyone mentally,<br>quoted Tecumseh, said he spoke with MLK's ghost<br>who told him to make an ad showing a Molotov cocktail <br>being lit with a match and then "a coupon underneath"<br><br>He said, "There's a tear and in that tear are all<br>the tears in the world, all the animals crying"<br>Whatever the FUCK that means<br><br>I asked Roger who this mystic LSD psycho was<br>and Roger said “do not insult me, I am also<br>a mystic LSD psycho now"<br><br>And I, Don Draper, drank, drank, drank some more, <br>kissed my current wife on the forehead,<br>understood that my son was a person,<br>understood for the first time that he was an individual,<br>even as humanity felt to me <br>more than ever like an undifferentiated <br>onrushing ocean<br><br>"They're going to burn down the city!"<br>They can't burn down the city because <br>the city is a sea<br><br>Now allow me to let my author speak,<br>because after all someone is writing this:<br><br>It is difficult to write about certain deaths,<br>long-ago deaths, because they still feel new,<br>because the force behind them is still current,<br>the impulse behind them is still hot, happening,<br>has a pulse still, is more alive even than <br>the men it inhabits<br><br>Martin Luther King Jr.'s murder feels new<br>because someone would do it again,<br>would do it tomorrow, would do it the day<br>after "I've Been to the Mountaintop"<br>and the question next morning would still<br>somehow be, "How are white people dealing with it"<br><br>The theme of this episode is tv within a tv<br>Fires within a tv within a tv, people warming themselves<br>by those fires, those fires as reflected on people's faces,<br>black-haired Betty cannot turn off the television, <br>the sound of the television crackles in the background<br>almost as loud as our dialogue, my liquor is the color<br>of cars on fire, I drive my children through city streets,<br>everybody likes to go to the movies when they're sad,<br><br>the light of Planet of the Apes streams over the audience<br>and blows our minds for the first time, I thought we <br>went to outer space but really we just stayed here,<br>I thought we walked on the moon but really<br>I just saw it on television, and more than ever <br>the exact place where I am, Don Draper, <br>feels like the center of the universe<br><br>The planet was New York<br>It was New York all along<br><br></p>
<br>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i></i></p><p><b><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></b></p><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a></span><div><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/81qVfW">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a></span><br><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">• Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</span><br><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a></span><br><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a></span><br><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">• <a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm">Season 6 Premiere</a></span><br><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p>
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		'title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: 'For Immediate Release'',
		'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap:&nbsp;'For Immediate Release'',
		'blurb' => 'Laying the smack down on Pete Campbell in free verse.',
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<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Six</i><br>
<br>
 ANNOUNCEMENT:<br>I'm Don Draper and I need a Quinceañera<br>because I just went through<br>a very serious plot puberty -- my plot<br>started out wearing a training bra <br>and then all of a sudden it developed so hard<br>it needed double-Ds! Perverts <br>across America could NOT stop looking <br>at my plot development<br><br>Relatedly, I know you want to make fun <br>of the supertight sweater I wore this episode<br>but the fact is that it made Don Draper's tits <br>look good, and sometimes a man just wants <br>his boobs to look nice for Mother’s Day<br>BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE A MOTHER<br>AND THEREFORE MUST BREASTFEED <br>HIMSELF<br><br>OK I have something terrifying to tell you<br>ROGER STERLING HAS A GHOST NIPPLE<br>It’s the nipple on his left boob and it must<br>have died when he had his heart attack<br>and preceded him into the afterlife <br>Guess who likes Roger Sterling’s <br>ghost nipple, though? Stewardesses, <br>because they live in Heaven<br><br>This is the episode where I, Don Draper, <br>fall in love with Pete Campbell. How could I not?<br>This is Vincent Kartheiser’s most golden hour,<br>his face pours like water over the stones<br>of his dialogue, his face is like a jello<br>filled with the floating pineapple hunks<br>of astonishing acting decisions,<br>he sits his stupid butt down on the stairs<br>as eloquently as Buster Keaton,<br>his hair rises up like a dong above him,<br>like a thought bubble containing <br>the single word DONG, he is perfect,<br>he comes into his own like a million dirty <br>dollars. Pete Campbell is a man who was born <br>to run into his father-in-law in a whorehouse<br>and then tell his own wife about it<br><br>Oh PETE! Is it because I am not myself<br>that I am so in love with the sight of an actor<br>sailing perfectly into the skin of his character<br>and filling him out to his fingertips?<br><br>Age-old question: how do you keep<br>your husband interested?<br>Age-old answer: put snacks between<br>your legs to make him hungry<br><br>Time for dinner with a bunch <br>of people I hate! Food is truly one <br>of the pleasures of life, isn’t it<br>Favorite steak is the t-bone <br>because it looks like a yoni<br>Favorite drink is a Shirley Temple<br>with a testosterone pill dissolved in it<br><br>Hold the fuck up. If a jaguar <br>disrespects me during my din-din<br>do you know what I do to him<br>I reach into his gut and pull out about<br>one hundred jaguar puppies<br>and then I hold one of the jaguar<br>puppies up to my ear like a phone<br>and scream, "YOU'RE FIRED" <br><br>I'm so mad that I look <br>like the kind of erection <br>you have to go to the hospital for<br>When did Jon Hamm start delivering<br>all my lines like an angry penis <br>who takes improv classes<br>I'm not saying I don't like it<br>I love it actually<br><br>My rage is nothing compared to Joan's,<br>however, when she discovers that she slept<br>with a sack of Jabba cum for no reason. Whatever,<br>Joan! Get over it and stop being such a bébé<br>(That's the only French word I've learned so far)<br><br>Here's the thing:<br>as long as I'm in Detroit,<br>I might as well fuck a car<br><br>Don Draper walks into a bar. Don Draper's<br>enemy walks into a bar. A Chevy walks <br>into a bar, and we're both so drunk we <br>feel up her wheels, and roll down<br>her windows, and hang our fuzzy dice<br>in her, and make her get down<br>on all fours while we pump her full of gas<br>and toot her little horn so long and loud<br><br>"The future is something you haven't even <br>thought of yet." WRONG. The future is me,<br>Don Draper, having a threesome with a hot car <br>and a man who exclusively wears turtlenecks<br><br>You know, a man from the future<br>once gave me some very good advice<br>AABC<br>Adverts Always Be Composing<br>I've never forgotten that<br><br>The last agency's name was too long <br>and everyone made fun of us, which hurt<br>my feelings, so this time we're gonna call <br>ourselves The Uptown Sexy Boys<br><br>OR<br><br>Mad ... vertising Men<br><br>OR<br><br>Fart Transplant<br><br>Wait now I'm getting a bunch of ideas<br><br>Roger Sterling's Ghost Nipple. Don Draper's<br>First BJ. Peggy's Luxurious Turtleneck<br>Fantasy. Satan Is Real And Joan Is In Hell<br><br>I'm just kidding<br><br>You know we're gonna call ourselves<br>Pete Campbell's Prostitute Surprise<br>
<br>
</p>
<br>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p><p><i><br></i></p><p><i><br></i></p><p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.45em;"><div><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.45em;">• <a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-man-with-a-plan-2366/">Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</a><br>•&nbsp;Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'<br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a><br>•&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm">Season 6 Premiere</a></span></div></span><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p></p></p>',
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		'index_title' => 'Mad Men Poetry Recap: Let's Rap About Margarine!',
		'blurb' => 'Poet Patricia Lockwood recaps the latest episode of Mad Men ("Man With a Plan") as it was always meant to be recapped: in verse.',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p><img style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/madmen-header-v1.jpg"></p>

<p><b>DON DRAPER POETRY SEX MAN</b><br>
<i>Season 6, Episode Seven</i><br>
<br>
 Here's the thing:<br>
I know everyone is getting bored<br>
with me lately but I think I have a solution<br>
There's this book that everyone's been talking about<br>
and I'm gonna reenact some scenes from it<br>
<br>
It's called 9 1/2 Weeks<br>
<br>
The first thing I'm gonna do<br>
is put a ball of margarine in a woman's mouth<br>
so she cannot talk at ALL<br>
Then I'm gonna lick margarine off her inner legs<br>
Then I'm gonna lock her in a hotel room<br>
and force her to masturbate<br>
<br>
with margarine<br>
<br>
It turns out what I really wanted<br>
all along was a woman who got wet<br>
with melted margarine<br>
just so I could go down on her<br>
and yell, "WHY ISN'T THIS BUTTER" <br>
<br>
Do you know what name I really hate<br>
Ted. IT'S TED. I hate a certain name that's Ted<br>
that usually belongs to certain losers who fly <br>
their own planes and sit on furniture <br>
with their nice balls showing and have <br>
probably never kept a sex slave in their lives<br>
and cannot say "groovy" without embarrassing <br>
themselves so bad -- I never even TRY to say <br>
the word "groovy" because once I mouthed<br>
it to myself in the mirror and I felt<br>
like I had had my appendix taken out<br>
<br>
The appendix of my dignity<br>
<br>
So my new agency is working out pretty great<br>
Peggy is back and just absolutely PUNCHING<br>
through the glass ceiling with both of her fists, <br>
Pete doesn't have a chair and his mom is demented,<br>
Joan is barfing in a trashcan because we're all<br>
going to die someday, Stan is even more<br>
of a resplendent countercultural otter than ever,<br>
Roger Sterling has grown YET ANOTHER<br>
nutsack since the last time we saw him<br>
<br>
Let's have a rap session about margarine!<br>
Let's free associate about margarine!<br>
1. It's yellow 2. People hate it<br>
3. It was invented for Napoleon<br>
who used it as lube. In a letter to Josephine<br>
Napoleon wrote, "Do not bathe <br>
so that you will stink very naughtily <br>
when I return, and also, my short little<br>
conqueror body is completely <br>
COVERED with margarine right now"<br>
<br>
(Rap session? Free associate?<br>
Why do I get the feeling that sometime<br>
in the future Ted comes up with <br>
the California Raisins in a misguided<br>
attempt to get in touch with teens)<br>
<br>
My mistress whispers to me <br>
"I need you and nothing else will do"<br>
What I think at that moment is:<br>
what a great slogan for Chevy<br>
<br>
Remember a time when Don Draper sex scenes <br>
were not so disgusting you wanted to die?<br>
That time has passed. The high-class hotel <br>
of Don Draper's sex scenes has become <br>
a motel of unparalleled sleaze<br>
where the audience is queasily massaged<br>
on a Magic Fingers bed<br>
and one of the Magic Fingers is touching<br>
UP THEIR BUTT and the other one <br>
is tugging on their heartstring<br>
<br>
The problem is I cannot decide <br>
whether I am a sub or a dom<br>
Sometimes I'm like, it would be cool <br>
if women were mules for me, carrying <br>
me down into their Grand Canyons<br>
Other times I'm like, but I am so lazy<br>
and I just want to spend the afternoon<br>
drinking beta males named TED <br>
under the table and debating <br>
the relative hotness of margarine mascots<br>
<br>
(Hottest margarine mascot is definitely the Parkay <br>
talking tub -- I want to get a bj from that thing)<br>
<br>
OK, I've decided: I AM A DOM<br>
Slap your own face if you didn't see it coming<br>
that Don Draper would one day lock<br>
a woman in a hotel room and order her<br>
to be his sex veal<br>
<br>
Lately, like any fictional human, <br>
I have been wondering how I will die<br>
(Is this something <br>
nonfictional humans worry about?<br>
Probably not<br>
Probably they are too busy<br>
enjoying the feeling of real vaginas)<br>
<br>
But hear me now: if I die in the plane<br>
of this pantywaist who drinks like a baby girl<br>
I will drag you ALL to hell with me<br>
Look at me<br>
I'm sweating so hard I could rain on people<br>
<br>
And now my sex veal is telling me<br>
that she doesn't want to be my sex veal<br>
anymore because she dreamed <br>
about me dying in a plane crash?<br>
Listen: unless my plane crashes <br>
into the cow field where your cow mother <br>
lives you have nothing to worry about<br>
<br>
"It's over, it's over," she keeps saying<br>
and something is over but I don't know <br>
what. The next thing you know shots <br>
ring out and the next picture you see <br>
is Bobby Kennedy lying on the floor<br>
and all of us are almost too numb to feel it<br>
<br>
Rude ending to my sensuality episode, America </p>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i></i></p>

<p style="float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" class="img-contain"><i><img alt="" style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2335/tricia90x120.jpg"></i></p>

<p><i>Patricia Lockwood is the author of </i>Balloon Pop Outlaw Black<i> (Octopus Books, 2012). Her poems have appeared widely, including in </i>The New Yorker<i>, </i>Slate<i>, </i>Tin House<i> and </i>Poetry<i>. Follow her on Twitter at @TriciaLockwood.</i><br>
</p>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><i><br>
</i></p>

<p><b>Other Mad Men poetry recaps:</b></p>
<span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.45em;">• Season 6 Episode 7: 'Man With a Plan'</span><br>
•&nbsp;<a href="http://www.thingx.tv/articles/mad-men-poetry-recap-for-immediate-release-2362" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Episode 6: 'For Immediate Release'</a><br>
 •&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/5SqKCA" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Episode 5: 'The Flood'</a><br>
 •&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/4V6Ar6" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Episode 4: 'To Have and to Hold'</a><br>
 •&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/9bn8xa" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Episode 3: 'Collaborators'</a><br>
 •&nbsp;<a href="http://thingx.biz/BRftm" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Season 6 Premiere</a><br></p></p></p>',
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		'blurb' => 'This week, a Texas law student demonstrated a functional handgun printed with a 3D printer. Here are some of the questions people from around the web have about this new class of firearm.',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i></i></span></p>

<p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2364/meta-faq-printablegun.jpg" style=""></i></p>
<p><i>This week, a Texas law student demonstrated a functional handgun printed with a 3D printer. Here are some of the questions people from around the web have about this new class of firearm:<br>
</i></p><hr>
<p><b>Q. Does this mean you can fax a gun? Because I own a fax machine store, and I could really use the business.</b></p>

<p>A. We suppose someone could send the URL of the gun-printing CAD program to someone else, via fax. But no one is probably ever going to do that.</p>

<p><b>Q: Can you please print me out a gun? I want to shoot somebody.</b><br>
 A: No, we will not print you out a gun. Those things are extremely expensive. Don't shoot anybody.</p>

<p><b>Q: Ooooh! We can print out guns and the bullets in whatever pretty colors we like?</b><br>
 A: There’s no reason you couldn’t.</p>

<p><b>Q: Do I have to print out the 'bang bang' sounds too, or do those come with it?</b><br>
 A: The gun is functional and will make the same sound any other gun would make.</p>

<p><b>Q: How do we keep these guns out of the hands of crazy—it's already in their hands, isn't it?</b><br>
 A: Yes. The world's first printed plastic gun was made and fired by an anarchist whose goal is to make government obsolete. </p>

<p><b>Q: So I should start coming three hours early to the airport then? </b><br>
 A: Yes.</p>

<p><b>Q. Ah, crap. I'm gonna be the first guy to get killed by a printed gun, aren't I?</b><br>
 A. Possible, but unlikely. Statistically, you have the same chance as every other man, woman, and child of being the first person killed by a printed gun.</p>

<p><b>Q. It's too bad they can't print anything to limit the number of guns, huh?</b><br>
 A. They could print comprehensive gun control legislation. On paper.</p>

<p><b>Q. Yeah, I know. I was just setting you up.<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A. We know. Thank you.</span></p>
<br><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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	(int) 11 => array(
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		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'Tech Scoop: Facebook Phone',
		'index_title' => 'Can The Facebook Phone Survive a ten story fall?',
		'blurb' => 'Techspert Joe Garden puts the Facebook Phone through trial by fire -- and free fall. See how well this product performs!',
		'description' => 'Techspert Joe Garden puts the Facebook Phone through trial by fire -- and free fall. See how well this product performs!',
		'keywords' => 'tech scoop, joe garden, tech review, facebook phone, phone review, mobile, technology, satire, humor, funny, lol, thingx, thing x',
		'tags' => 'tech scoop',
		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e84eecbf50080',
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		'modified' => '2013-05-13 10:15:33',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'Tech Scoop'
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	(int) 12 => array(
		'id' => '2363',
		'article_collection_id' => null,
		'created_by' => '30',
		'columnist' => null,
		'title' => 'Old Man Meme: A Retrospective',
		'index_title' => 'Old Man Meme:&nbsp;A Retrospective',
		'blurb' => 'It's been a whirlwind four weeks for our pal Old Man Meme! Let's take a look back and see what's happened so far!',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p>
</p><p><i>Uh-oh! It's been a whirlwind four weeks for our pal Old Man Meme! He lost his house, got put in a nursing home—his wife even died! Let's take a look back and see what's happened so far to the elderly gentleman who doesn't want to be turned into an Internet meme!</i></p><hr><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme1.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme2.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme3.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme4.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme5.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme7.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme8.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omme9.png" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm21.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm221.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm23.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm24.jpg" style=""></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm25.jpg" style=""></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm29.jpg" style=""><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm26.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm27.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm28.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm31.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm32.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm33.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm34.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm35.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm36.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm3722.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm41.jpg" style=""><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm42.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm43.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm44.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm45.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm46.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm47.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm48.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/omm49.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><b>Cool! Now that you're all up to speed, make your own Old Man Meme, Old Woman Meme, Interrupted Priest Meme, Unintentional Urn Meme, Reverse Mortgage Trebek Meme, and Smug Son Meme!</b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/ommblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/ommblank2.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/priest-blank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/urnblank3.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2363/trebekblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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		'meta_keywords' => 'Old Man Meme, thingx, thing x, meme, funny, comedy, lol',
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		'staged' => '2013-05-08 10:48:39',
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	(int) 13 => array(
		'id' => '2320',
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		'created_by' => '30',
		'columnist' => '15',
		'title' => 'I Lost 200 Pounds, Gained 300 Pounds, Lost 129 Pounds, Gained 1 Pound...',
		'index_title' => 'I Lost 200 Pounds, Gained 300 Pounds, Lost 129 Pounds, Gained 1 Pound...',
		'blurb' => 'I became the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, lost 40 pounds, ran the company into the ground, and lost 20 pounds – and you can too!',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>
</p><p>You know, when I look at those old pictures of myself before I lost 200 pounds, gained 300 pounds, lost 129 Pounds, gained 1 pound, became the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, lost 40 pounds, ran the company into the ground, and lost 20 pounds, I can hardly believe it was me. To this day, friends, family—heck, even people off the street—come up to me and ask, "John, how'd you do it? How did you lose 200 pounds, gain 300 pounds, lose 129 pounds, gain 1 pound, become the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, lose 40 pounds, run the company into the ground, lose 20 pounds, and get washboard abs in just 30 days?" And I tell them all the same thing:</p>

<p>It was easy! <b>So easy, in fact, that adults, seniors—even kids—can do it!</b></p>

<p>Hey, I was skeptical too when I first heard that someone like <i>me </i>could lose 200 pounds, gain 300 pounds, lose 129 pounds, gain 1 pound, become the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, lose 40 pounds, run the company into the ground, lose 20 pounds, get washboard abs, flip $300,000 worth of real estate, gain 9 pounds and declare bankruptcy in just 30 days. But I was sick of living paycheck-to-paycheck, and I knew I needed to make a change.</p>

<p>And wow! <b>I started to see results <i>immediately</i>!&nbsp;</b></p><p>With the easy-to-follow, step-by-step losing-200-pounds-gaining-300-pounds-losing-129-pounds-gaining-1-pound-becoming-the-CEO-of-a-<i>Fortune</i>-500-company-losing-40-pounds-running-the-company-into-the-ground-losing-20-pounds-getting-washboard-abs-flipping-$300,000-worth-of-real-estate-declaring-bankruptcy-gaining-9-pounds-making-delicious-preservative-free-beef-jerky-for-my-family-not-being-able-to-get-up-the-stairs-in-my-own-home-gaining-4-pounds-having-more-energy-and-losing-40-pounds-in-just-30-days process, I could tell after the first week I was already well on my way to losing 200 pounds, gaining 300 pounds, losing 129 pounds, gaining 1 pound, becoming the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, losing 40 pounds, running the company into the ground, losing 20 pounds, getting washboard abs, flipping $300,000 worth of real estate, declaring bankruptcy, gaining 9 pounds, making delicious, preservative-free beef jerky for my family, not being able to get up the stairs in my own home, gaining 4 pounds, having more energy, losing 40 pounds, storing bulky items, not being able to store bulky items, getting out of credit card debt, and gaining 2 pounds in just 30 days.</p>

<p>But wait, there's more! With a 100% gimmick-free, no risk, money-back-guarantee trial, there's nothing to lose! <b>So start living your life the way you want to live it <i>now</i>!</b></p>

<p>Now, were there times when I thought I wouldn't be able to lose 200 pounds, gain 300 pounds, lose 129 pounds, gain 1 pound, become the CEO of a <i>Fortune</i> 500 company, lose 40 pounds, run the company into the ground, lose 20 pounds, get washboard abs, flip $300,000 worth of real estate, and declare bankruptcy, make delicious, preservative-free beef jerky for my family, not be able to get up the stairs in my own home, gain 4 pounds, have more energy, lose 40 pounds, store bulky items, not be able to store bulky items, get out of credit card debt, gain 2 pounds, chop an onion without the tears, have way too much clutter, be able to read in low light, not be able to prevent slips, trips and falls, get tough stains out of bathroom grout, pay for my funeral expenses, hem my own skirts in seconds, gain .0089 pounds, trade my gold in for cash, not be able to get rid of space-wasting kitchen appliances that only do one thing, fix small scratches in my car's finish, read at a rate of 300 words per minute, lose 99,000,000 pounds, make perfect rotisserie chicken in just 90 minutes, gain 3.141592 pounds, learn to speak Italian, Spanish or Chinese, not be able to remove tough stains using the power of oxygen bubbles, and lose 22,000 pounds in just 30 days?</p>

<p>Sure.&nbsp;</p><br><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
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		'title' => 'Think X with Ronna and Beverly',
		'index_title' => 'Think X with podcasters Ronna and Beverly',
		'blurb' => 'TV and podcast personalities Ronna and Beverly (@RonnaAndBeverly) reveal the truth behind the Tooth Ghost, and give you all the advice you need on standardized testing and male hygiene.',
		'description' => 'TV and podcast personalities Ronna and Beverly (@RonnaAndBeverly) reveal the truth behind the Tooth Ghost, and give you all the advice you need on standardized testing and male hygiene.',
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		'video_collection_id' => '14',
		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'Horses to Watch at the 2013 Kentucky Derby',
		'index_title' => 'Place Your Bets! Exclusive video of this Year's derby frontrunners',
		'blurb' => 'Get the inside picks on the most promising horses to compete in Kentucky Derby. Who will win, and who will be shot dead in front of a million people?',
		'description' => 'Get the inside picks on the most promising horses to compete in Kentucky Derby. Who will win, and who will be shot dead in front of a million people?',
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		'title' => 'How To Make A Mint Julep',
		'index_title' => 'How To Make A Mint Julep',
		'blurb' => 'As Derby Day approaches, Thing X teaches you how to make a perfect Mint Julep. Hint: Bring your own horse.',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><img style="" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2361/julepmeta.jpg"></p><p><i>
The mint julep has been a staple of every Kentucky Derby since 1938, but you don’t have to be at Churchill Downs in order to enjoy this refreshing and historic bourbon drink. Here’s a favorite recipe that's sure to have you stumbling around like a horse age 21 or older!</i><br>
<br><b>
1. Muddle 4 mint sprigs in a Collins glass.</b> Spearmint leaves are preferred, though in a pinch, you also can easily substitute menthol cigarettes.<br>
<br><b>
2. Try to make your drink indoors</b> as mint juleps are known to attract hippos from up to 10,000 miles away.<br>
<br><b>
3. Carefully crush a sugar cube</b> beneath the hoof of the Kentucky Derby horse you've placed your bet on and add it to the mint.<br>
<br><b>
4. Add a splash of water</b> and swish it around the sides of the glass like a real fancy man.<br>
<br><b>
5. Slowly drizzle 3 oz. of bourbon</b> over your sugar and mint mixture. When done properly, this step should take you 70 minutes.<br>
<br><b>
6. Remember, it's not truly a mint julep until you say the Mint Julep Couplet to your guest:</b> "Borne unto you, with sugar and mint / I didn't cough in it, but there may be some lint."<br>
<br><b>
7. Carefully place completed cocktail on the top of your head</b> as an offering to Epona, the Roman goddess of horses, who was slightly amused by people placing alcoholic beverages on the top of their head. <br>
<br>
<br></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p></p></p>',
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		'id' => '2360',
		'article_collection_id' => null,
		'created_by' => '30',
		'columnist' => null,
		'title' => 'Old Man Meme Loses His Home!',
		'index_title' => 'Old Man Meme Loses His Home!',
		'blurb' => 'Uh-oh! Old Man Meme lost his house, and it looks like he's going to get put in a nursing home! Guess just this once, we probably should leave him alone and not turn him into an Internet meme.',
		'body' => '<p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><i>Uh-oh! Old Man Meme lost his house, and it looks like he's going to get put in a nursing home! Guess just this once, we probably should leave him alone and not turn him into an Internet meme...psych! Tough tacos, old man—we're gonna meme you harder than ever!</i></p><p></p><hr><p></p><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm41.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm42.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm43.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm44.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm45.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm46.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm47.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm48.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/omm49.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><b><br></b></p><p><b>Fun! Now it's your turn to make your own Old Man Meme, Trebek Reverse Mortgage Meme, and Smug Son Meme!</b><br></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/ommblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/trebekblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p><b><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2360/sonblank.jpg" style=""><br></b></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p>',
		'meta_description' => 'Uh-oh! Old Man Meme lost his house, and it looks like he's going to get put in a nursing home! Guess just this once, we probably should leave him alone. Nope!',
		'meta_keywords' => 'old man meme, memes, internet jokes, lol, satire, funny, lolz, adult swim, thingx, thing x',
		'tweet' => null,
		'tweet_published' => null,
		'created' => '2013-05-01 15:03:13',
		'staged' => '2013-05-01 17:59:48',
		'published' => '2013-05-02 10:36:10',
		'first_published' => '2013-05-02 10:36:10',
		'modified' => '2013-05-07 17:55:10',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/7WTlaU',
		'thumbnail' => true,
		'status_id' => '4',
		'type' => 'articles'
	),
	(int) 18 => array(
		'id' => '2311',
		'article_collection_id' => null,
		'created_by' => '13',
		'columnist' => '13',
		'title' => 'The Fat Woman In My Mirror',
		'index_title' => 'The Fat Woman&nbsp;In My Mirror',
		'blurb' => 'When Jason Roeder looks in the mirror, there’s nothing but a disgusting fat lady looking back at him.',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p>
<p>“Jason, you’re
crazy!” my friend Abby says at lunch. “Do you have any idea how insane you
sound? Like, truly <i>nuts.</i>” I’ve ordered a side salad but still haven’t eaten half of it. I know
Abby means well, but I also know she’s a size 4. When she looks in the
mirror, she sees someone slender and healthy. When Jason Roeder looks in the
mirror, there’s nothing but a disgusting fat lady looking back at him. </p>

<p>That huge
waistline; those beefy thighs. I can’t even take pride in my large breasts,
knowing they’re only that size because of how obese I am! At least I’m not
forced to look at my backside in the mirror, though sometimes I’ll sneak a peek
at those massive buttocks, crinkled in cellulite. I guess some delusional part
of me hopes I’ll turn around one day and discover that my rear is shapely and
toned. My only consolation? Most mirrors aren’t long enough for me to see how
chunky my calves are.</p>

<p>I tell myself I
should join a Curves, but the one time I tried, I got all these weird looks, as
if to say, “Sorry, we can’t help you here. You’re a lost cause. Just leave. Just get out right now.”</p>

<p>I’ve been fortunate
in some respects. I’m 40, and I’ve never been called “Big
Bertha” or anything demeaning and misogynist like that. No one’s ever asked me
if I was pregnant, and it’s hard to imagine, but I’ve gone this long without
hearing some bully moo at me or make pig noises when I walk by. So, yeah,
I count my blessings, and I try to help others like me.</p>

<p>My friend
Vanessa’s also very overweight. She’s five-foot-seven and about 250 pounds, a
few inches shorter than me but much less heavy. The other day, I told her that
we could lose weight together, that we could push each other and be ready just
in time for bikini season. She just started crying and said, “Why are you
making fun of me, Jason? I thought you were my friend. <i>Why?</i>” </p>

<p>Well, maybe I
wouldn’t be much help. After all, I still haven’t helped myself. Or maybe I’m wrong about everything. Maybe I’m fighting myself when I should be <i>loving
</i>myself. If you want to be accepted, that’s where it starts.</p>

<p>My name is
Jason Roeder: I’m a big, fat woman and I’m proud.</p>

<p><br></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p></p>',
		'meta_description' => 'When Jason Roeder looks in the mirror, there’s nothing but a disgusting fat lady looking back at him.',
		'meta_keywords' => 'fat woman, fat, health, diet, exercise, jason roeder, satire, funny, humor, lol, comedy, thingx, thing x, adult swim',
		'tweet' => 'Fat, proud, woman, me. [LINK]

Don't tell me I'm crazy. I see the fat woman in the mirror. [LINK]

My struggle—and my triumph—as a fat woman. [LINK]',
		'tweet_published' => null,
		'created' => '2013-03-18 14:10:03',
		'staged' => '2013-05-02 10:34:56',
		'published' => '2013-05-02 10:36:03',
		'first_published' => '2013-05-02 10:36:03',
		'modified' => '2013-05-15 17:59:29',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/7DACkw',
		'thumbnail' => true,
		'status_id' => '4',
		'type' => 'articles'
	),
	(int) 19 => array(
		'id' => '232',
		'video_collection_id' => '2',
		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: Erectile Dysfunction',
		'index_title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: Erectile Dysfunction',
		'blurb' => 'The topic of erectile dysfunction is one of the few topics Dr. Reese enjoys talking about, but the enjoyment doesn't trickle down to the callers.',
		'description' => 'The topic of erectile dysfunction is one of the few topics Dr. Reese enjoys talking about, but the enjoyment doesn't trickle down to the callers.',
		'keywords' => 'dr. sex reese, sex therapy, sex therapist, sex, erectile dysfunction, penis problems, call-in, talk show, thingx, thing x, adult swim',
		'tags' => 'Dr. 'Sex' Reese',
		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e60a7c7b8005e',
		'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e60b509210065',
		'rating' => 'TV-PG',
		'duration' => '644.978',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/71XFoQ',
		'thumbnail_url' => 'http://i.cdn.turner.com/asfix/repository/8a250ba13a89a05f013a9dea358b0025/the-dr-sex-reese-show-the-dr-sex-reese-show-erectile-dysfunction.jpg',
		'created' => '2013-05-01 11:13:29',
		'staged' => '2013-05-01 13:15:31',
		'published' => '2013-05-01 13:15:56',
		'first_published' => '2013-05-01 13:15:56',
		'modified' => '2013-05-01 13:19:13',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'The Dr. "Sex" Reese Show'
	),
	(int) 20 => array(
		'id' => '231',
		'video_collection_id' => '16',
		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'Couple on the Bed',
		'index_title' => 'Stock Dump Commentary: Couple on the Bed',
		'blurb' => 'When you've got two people in a bed, you're going to have drama.',
		'description' => 'When you've got two people in a bed, you're going to have drama.',
		'keywords' => 'stock footage, couple on bed, stock, couple, commentary, thing x, thingx, adult swim',
		'tags' => 'Stock Dump Commentary',
		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e5ccc4af3005a',
		'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e5ccca258005c',
		'rating' => 'TV-PG',
		'duration' => '116.984',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/6IEWys',
		'thumbnail_url' => 'http://i.cdn.turner.com/asfix/repository/8a250ba13e183910013e5cca4c650058/stock-dump-commentary-couple-on-the-bed.jpg',
		'created' => '2013-04-30 17:14:53',
		'staged' => '2013-04-30 17:19:36',
		'published' => '2013-05-01 10:15:02',
		'first_published' => '2013-05-01 10:15:02',
		'modified' => '2013-05-01 10:16:54',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'Stock Dump Commentary'
	),
	(int) 21 => array(
		'id' => '2359',
		'article_collection_id' => null,
		'created_by' => '30',
		'columnist' => null,
		'title' => 'Leaked Script: First Look At Jason Collins Biopic',
		'index_title' => 'Leaked Script:&nbsp;A Page from Jason Collins' Biopic',
		'blurb' => 'For the first time anywhere, an exclusive look at a leaked script page from the upcoming Jason Collins biopic.',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p><i>Hollywood sure works fast! Here, for the first time anywhere, is an EXCLUSIVE PEEK at a leaked script page from the upcoming Jason Collins biopic,&nbsp;</i>Man To Man: The Jason Collins Story<i>. Not many details are available, except that James Cameron is set to write and direct, and it's sure to be a tear-jerking slam dunk of a blockbuster!</i><br></p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2359/cover-page.jpg" style=""><br></i></p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2359/script-page.jpg" style=""><br></i></p></p></p></p>',
		'meta_description' => 'For the first time anywhere, an exclusive look at a leaked script page from the upcoming Jason Collins biopic.',
		'meta_keywords' => 'Jason Collins, NBA, gay, basketball, James Cameron, comedy, satire, LOL, funny, thingx, thing x, adult swim',
		'tweet' => null,
		'tweet_published' => null,
		'created' => '2013-04-30 14:58:14',
		'staged' => '2013-04-30 15:02:33',
		'published' => '2013-04-30 15:06:04',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-30 15:06:04',
		'modified' => '2013-05-02 10:36:02',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/8jrlOU',
		'thumbnail' => true,
		'status_id' => '4',
		'type' => 'articles'
	),
	(int) 22 => array(
		'id' => '2357',
		'article_collection_id' => '1',
		'created_by' => '30',
		'columnist' => null,
		'title' => 'News FAQ: The Internet Sales Tax',
		'index_title' => 'News FAQ: The Internet Sales Tax',
		'blurb' => 'A piece of legislation that would apply a sales tax to Internet purchases will likely be up for a vote soon. Here are some questions from Internet users in regard to this news story.',
		'body' => '<p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>
</p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2357/meta-internettax.jpg" style=""><br></i></p><p><i>The Marketplace Fairness Act, a piece of legislation that would apply a sales tax to Internet purchases, has recently moved forward in the House of Representatives and will likely be up for a vote in the near future. Here are some of the most frequently asked questions from Internet users in regard to this news story:&nbsp;<br></i></p>

<p><b>Q: Will this affect the music I illegally download?<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: No, this will only affect legitimate transactions and not your ethically questionable online behavior.</span></p>

<p><b>Q: Why don't we just charge brick and mortar stores twice as much tax? They're used to it.&nbsp;<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: That is not how fair tax policies are decided.&nbsp;</span></p>

<p><b>Q: What about sea monkeys? They couldn't possibly tax those little water monkeys I buy online, can they?<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: Sorry; any sea monkeys purchased on the Internet would fall within the scope of this bill. Also, they are just brine shrimp, not actual water monkeys.</span></p>

<p><b>Q: First I have to pay real taxes and now these fake Internet taxes? What the hell?<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: Taxes you pay on the Internet will be "real taxes," the same as any other local and federal taxes you pay.</span></p>

<p><b>Q: Am I considered a "retailer" if I'm selling my own soiled underwear?<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: Ugh. We think so.</span></p>

<p><b>Q: What about stuff that "falls off the back of an Internet truck," if you catch my drift?&nbsp;<br>
</b><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">A: There will likely be some black market activity intended to circumvent this legislation, but the euphemism you used is not a commonly accepted idiom referring to such activity.&nbsp;</span></p>

<p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2357/5newblur.jpg" style=""><br></span></p>
<p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p>',
		'meta_description' => 'A piece of legislation that would apply a sales tax to Internet purchases will likely be up for a vote in the near future. Here are some questions from Internet users in regard to this news story.',
		'meta_keywords' => 'The Marketplace Fairness Act, internet, internet law, internet sales tax, sales tax, tax, buying things on the internet, news faq, financial news, money, thing x, thingx, adult swim',
		'tweet' => null,
		'tweet_published' => null,
		'created' => '2013-04-30 11:36:39',
		'staged' => '2013-04-30 12:17:12',
		'published' => '2013-04-30 12:17:59',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-30 12:17:59',
		'modified' => '2013-05-09 10:03:18',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/3ikZgc',
		'thumbnail' => true,
		'status_id' => '4',
		'type' => 'articles'
	),
	(int) 23 => array(
		'id' => '2327',
		'article_collection_id' => null,
		'created_by' => '14',
		'columnist' => null,
		'title' => 'Landmarks In Gay History',
		'index_title' => 'Landmarks In&nbsp;Gay History',
		'blurb' => 'Jason Collins coming out as the first gay athlete in a major American sport is just the latest of many memorable moments in the history of homosexuality.<br>',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><i>On Monday, NBA center Jason Collins came out to </i>Sports Illustrated<i> as the first openly gay male athlete in a major American sport. To commemorate this landmark moment, here is a look back at some other leaps forward in homosexual equality:</i><br>
</p>
<hr>
<p><b> 197,014 BC:</b> During a break from foraging, two male <i>homo sapiens</i> communicate through crude verbal cues that, while they enjoy orgasms, the idea of coupling with a female does not appeal to them.<br>
</p>

<p><b>Circa 600 BC:</b> The Greek lyric poet Sappho begins the "U-Haul Lesbian" stereotype by moving in with her girlfriend after writing only two poems about her. </p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2327/sapphos2.jpg" style=""></p><p></p>

<p><b></b></p>

<p><b>1463:</b> Polymath Leonardo Da Vinci publicly denies being homosexual, but that just means he totally is.<br>
</p>

<p><b>1775:&nbsp;</b>Paul Revere follows up his famous midnight ride with a second, gay midnight ride, in which he specifically warns homosexuals of advancing British soldiers. <br>
</p><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2327/paulrevere.jpg" style=""></p><p></p>

<p></p>

<p><b>1894:</b> Oscar Wilde is arrested for “deviant acts” and sent to prison, where no deviant acts are ever known to have occurred.
<br>
<br>
<b>1924:</b> Publisher Jack Chick is born.&nbsp;</p>

<p><b></b></p>
<p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2327/comic2.jpg" style=""></p>

<p><b>1956:</b> Four years after his polio vaccine was released in 1952, Jonas Salk proudly announces that additional testing has proved the inoculation “safe and effective for homosexuals as well.”<br>
</p>

<p><b>2003:</b> The United States Supreme Court strikes down sodomy laws, pretty much making it open season for the nonstop fuck-and-suck-fest in the streets that has continued to this day.
<br>
</p>

<p><b>2011:</b> The world at large collectively realizes that it doesn't at all care whether Tom Cruise is gay, much as they wouldn't really be too bothered if he fell into a volcano or sucked through a jet's engine. </p><p></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2327/tomcruise.jpg" style=""></p><p></p>

<p></p>

<p><b>April 29, 2013:</b> A brave copy editor comes out of the closet in a subtle, understated way, inspired by a gay-themed web article he is currently proofreading.<br>
</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
		'meta_description' => 'NBA center Jason Collins came out to Sports Illustrated as the first openly gay male athlete in a major American sport. Here's a look back at some other leaps forward in homosexual equality.',
		'meta_keywords' => 'gay, gay marriage, gay history, humor, funny, lol, thing x, thingx, adult swim',
		'tweet' => null,
		'tweet_published' => null,
		'created' => '2013-03-28 13:09:01',
		'staged' => '2013-04-30 10:44:14',
		'published' => '2013-04-30 10:45:34',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-29 15:04:14',
		'modified' => '2013-04-30 15:05:17',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/5kmT0Q',
		'thumbnail' => true,
		'status_id' => '4',
		'type' => 'articles'
	),
	(int) 24 => array(
		'id' => '230',
		'video_collection_id' => '7',
		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'Think X with Eugene Mirman',
		'index_title' => 'Think X with Eugene Mirman',
		'blurb' => 'Comedian and philanthropist Eugene Mirman describes his fitness regimen and the key to happiness.',
		'description' => 'Comedian and philanthropist Eugene Mirman describes his fitness regimen and the key to happiness.',
		'keywords' => 'thing x, thingx, eugene mirman, bob's burgers, comedian, funny, comedy, satire, stand up, adult swim',
		'tags' => 'think x',
		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e56e15d94004b',
		'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e56f5f7260052',
		'rating' => 'TV-PG',
		'duration' => '270.971',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/1E9oqY',
		'thumbnail_url' => 'http://i.cdn.turner.com/asfix/repository/8a250ba13a659f21013a74883d6b0027/think-x-think-x-with-eugene-mirman.jpg',
		'created' => '2013-04-29 13:40:11',
		'staged' => '2013-04-29 14:03:35',
		'published' => '2013-04-29 14:05:10',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-29 14:05:10',
		'modified' => '2013-04-29 14:03:34',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'Think X'
	),
	(int) 25 => array(
		'id' => '2314',
		'article_collection_id' => null,
		'created_by' => '14',
		'columnist' => null,
		'title' => 'Try The Thing X Juice Cleanse!',
		'index_title' => 'Try The Thing X Juice Cleanse!',
		'blurb' => 'Day 1: Carefully milk the fangs of a banded krait snake, native to Australia, into your "Day One" <br>juice mixture...',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i></i></span></p><p><i><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2314/meta-health-juicecleanse.jpg" style=""></i></p><i><br></i><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><i>Juice cleanses are ideal for losing weight and ridding the body of toxins—and now you don’t need to spend a lot of money to reap the benefits! Just follow the Thing X plan and you’ll feel better in only seven days!<br>
</i></span></p><hr><h4>Prep:</h4>
<p>For your last meal before starting, you'll want to absolutely go to town. Gorge yourself on sweets, fatty foods, meats, and carbs. Then, immediately after the meal, shove your hand down your throat and throw it all up. Go eat a pound of seaweed and drink a liter of water to prepare your stomach for the purifying cleanse to come.<br>
</p><h4>Day one:</h4>
 <p>Carefully milk the fangs of a <i>banded krait </i>snake, native to Australia, into your "Day One" juice mixture. Make sure to keep the amount of venom precisely between 0.06 and 0.07 mml — any more and you'll die! Also, before bed, give yourself a saltwater and honey enema and really swish it around up there.<br>
</p><h4>Day two:</h4>
 <p>Grind up three mummified cats from the tomb of an ancient Egyptian nobleman and mix the powder with two cups of olive oil and one cup of mud flap runoff. Drink it.<br>
</p><h4>Day three:</h4>
 <p>Tell every single person you see, in every single situation, regardless of how well you know him or her, that you are on a juice cleanse. This step is <b>absolutely crucial</b> to a successful cleanse. Drain as many knees as required for two cups of fluid. Blend with corn husks and red ants, and drink at room temperature. <br>
</p><h4>Day four:</h4>
 <p>You can't juice cashews, so get that out of your head right now.<br>
</p><h4>Day five:</h4>
 <p>Time for some fun! Make a big, beautiful stack of buttermilk pancakes topped with a pat of Irish butter and slathered in real maple syrup, then throw them in the garbage, douse them with lighter fluid and set the whole thing on fire. Drink 12 pints of your own neon-yellow urine. Call your mother at the exact point of maximum hunger-induced delirium. The resultant brutal honesty and complete emotional collapse could produce some real breakthroughs, which is a nice side effect those <i>other</i> cleanses can't even come close to offering.<br>
</p><h4>Day six:</h4>
 <p>Add six tablespoons of spinach milk to a bucket of chili and milk. (Spinach milk can be purchased at most health food stores or can be manually drawn from the dime-sized nipples appearing on a female spinach leaf.) Drink it.<br>
</p><h4>Day seven:</h4>
<p>We can't give you the recipe, or legally recommend it, but Human juice has all the nutrients you will ever need.</p>
<hr>
<p><i>It’s that simple! Now go out and enjoy the energy and vitality of a healthier you!</i></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p>',
		'meta_description' => 'Juice cleanses are ideal for losing weight and ridding the body of built-up toxins. You don’t need to spend a lot of money on fancy cleanses. Just follow the Thing X plan and you’ll feel better in only seven days!',
		'meta_keywords' => 'juice cleanse, health, diet, juice, thing x, thingx, adult swim, funny, satire, lol',
		'tweet' => null,
		'tweet_published' => null,
		'created' => '2013-03-21 14:35:23',
		'staged' => '2013-04-26 11:55:39',
		'published' => '2013-04-26 11:56:21',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-26 11:51:33',
		'modified' => '2013-04-29 09:52:07',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/3lBnfW',
		'thumbnail' => true,
		'status_id' => '4',
		'type' => 'articles'
	),
	(int) 26 => array(
		'id' => '229',
		'video_collection_id' => '6',
		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'Tim and Gregg's top 5 films of 2013 so far',
		'index_title' => 'On Cinema: Tim and Gregg's top 5 films of 2013&nbsp;so far',
		'blurb' => 'What a year for movies! Here's a look back at the best of the best of Tim and Gregg's favorite 2013 movies so far.',
		'description' => 'What a year for movies! Here's a look back at the best of the best of Tim and Gregg's favorite 2013 movies so far.',
		'keywords' => 'thingx, thing x, on cinema, tim heidecker, gregg turkington, top films, top films of 2013, movies, film, film review, best films of 2013, identity theft, the company you keep, oz the great and powerful, g.i. joe retaliation',
		'tags' => 'on cinema',
		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e42910c020042',
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		'rating' => 'TV-PG',
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		'created' => '2013-04-25 15:00:02',
		'staged' => '2013-04-25 15:00:30',
		'published' => '2013-04-25 15:02:25',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-25 15:02:25',
		'modified' => '2013-04-25 15:12:00',
		'type' => 'videos',
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	(int) 27 => array(
		'id' => '2355',
		'article_collection_id' => null,
		'created_by' => '30',
		'columnist' => null,
		'title' => 'Old Man Meme Buries His Wife',
		'index_title' => 'Old Man Meme&nbsp;Buries His Wife',
		'blurb' => 'Uh-oh! Looks like it's Old Man Meme's wife's funeral! Guess we should probably give him some space to grieve and…Uh, how 'bout FORGET IT, buddy!',
		'body' => '<p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>
</p><p><i>Uh-oh! Looks like it's Old Man Meme's wife's funeral! Guess we should probably give him some space to grieve and…Uh, how 'bout FORGET IT, buddy! You're gonna get memed extra-hard today, you stupid old man!</i></p><hr><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm31.jpg" style=""><br><p></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm32.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm33.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm34.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm35.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm36.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/omm3722.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p></p><p><b>Fun! Now it's your turn to make your own Old Man Meme, Interrupted Priest Meme, and Unintentional Urn Meme!</b></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/ommblank.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/priest-blank.jpg" style=""><br></p><p><br></p><p><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2355/urnblank3.jpg" style=""><br></p><br><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p>',
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		'created' => '2013-04-24 14:01:27',
		'staged' => '2013-04-24 17:10:19',
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		'first_published' => '2013-04-24 16:49:34',
		'modified' => '2013-05-07 17:53:14',
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	(int) 28 => array(
		'id' => '2332',
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		'created_by' => '13',
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		'title' => 'The Sociopath's Calorie Counter',
		'index_title' => 'The Sociopath's Calorie Counter',
		'blurb' => 'If you are a sociopath, this chart will help you calculate how many calories you burn as you act in accordance with your frightening personality disorder.',
		'body' => '<p><p><p><p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>If you are a sociopath, the chart below will help you
calculate how many calories you burn through everyday activities as an insane person. Note that the figures provided are approximations: The
precise number of calories a monster such as yourself will burn depends on
a variety of factors, including gender, weight, and overall metabolism.</p><p></p><hr><p></p>

<p></p>

<p></p><p></p><p></p><p><i style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"></i></p><p><i style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;"><img src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/thingx/big/img/article/2332/chart2.jpg" style=""></i></p><p></p><hr><p><i style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.5;">Consult your doctor before starting any new exercise
program. Or, better yet, just turn yourself in, you sick sonofabitch.</i></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></p></p></p></p>',
		'meta_description' => 'If you are a sociopath, this chart will help you calculate how many calories you burn as you act in accordance with your frightening personality disorder.',
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		'created' => '2013-04-03 13:56:02',
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		'published' => '2013-04-24 10:45:34',
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		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'The Original Vacuum Cat',
		'index_title' => 'The Original Vacuum Cat',
		'blurb' => 'It's the hottest thing to hit the Internet since the last hottest cat video.',
		'description' => 'It's the hottest thing to hit the Internet since the last hottest cat video.',
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		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e3386a2010039',
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		'published' => '2013-04-22 16:56:05',
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		'modified' => '2013-04-22 16:54:45',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'Memes'
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		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'Think X with Damien Fahey',
		'index_title' => 'Think X with&nbsp;Damien Fahey',
		'blurb' => 'TV host and comedy writer Damien Fahey gives important advice to successful white people and manic depressives, then proves the lengths he'll go to for gummy snacks.',
		'description' => 'TV host and comedy writer Damien Fahey gives important advice to successful white people and manic depressives, then proves the lengths he'll go to for gummy snacks.',
		'keywords' => 'thingx, damien fahey, fleetwood mac, U2, MTV, Total Request Live, I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!, TRL, The Classic Futures, here's johnny, think x, big think, interview, comedian, funny, lol, thing x',
		'tags' => 'think x',
		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e3331d3160025',
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		'rating' => 'TV-PG',
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		'created' => '2013-04-22 15:21:44',
		'staged' => '2013-04-22 15:45:51',
		'published' => '2013-04-22 15:46:34',
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		'modified' => '2013-04-30 12:16:30',
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		'video_collection_id' => '6',
		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'The Future of Cinema',
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		'blurb' => 'From the archives: A healthier Tim discusses his predictions for the future of cinema with guest Gregg Turkington.',
		'description' => 'From the archives: A healthier Tim discusses his predictions for the future of cinema with guest Gregg Turkington.',
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		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e1e1f859b0012',
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		'rating' => 'TV-PG',
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		'published' => '2013-04-18 13:48:21',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-18 13:43:24',
		'modified' => '2013-04-18 13:50:37',
		'type' => 'videos',
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		'video_collection_id' => '2',
		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: The Orgasm',
		'index_title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: The Orgasm',
		'blurb' => 'Doctor 'Sex' Reese is dragged through his past as he talks to two previous callers while discussing The Orgasm.',
		'description' => 'Doctor 'Sex' Reese is dragged through his past as he talks to two previous callers while discussing The Orgasm.',
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		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013e188f87d20009',
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		'published' => '2013-04-17 11:15:35',
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		'modified' => '2013-04-17 11:14:44',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'The Dr. "Sex" Reese Show'
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		'title' => 'Think X with Jenna Wortham',
		'index_title' => 'Think X with Jenna Wortham',
		'blurb' => 'New York Times tech reporter Jenna Wortham educates us about smart garbage, robot murder, and hot emoji.',
		'description' => 'New York Times tech reporter Jenna Wortham educates us about smart garbage, robot murder, and hot emoji.',
		'keywords' => 'New York Times, nyt, technology, tech, jenna wortham, beyonce, emoji, thingx, thing x, adult swim',
		'tags' => 'think x',
		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13dd5489b013e0e4fe7570033',
		'segment_id' => '8a250ba13dd5489b013e0e515b8c0035',
		'rating' => 'TV-PG',
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		'created' => '2013-04-15 11:28:38',
		'staged' => '2013-04-15 11:37:21',
		'published' => '2013-04-15 11:37:57',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-15 11:31:59',
		'modified' => '2013-04-15 11:37:21',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'Think X'
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		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => ''Oblivion' and 'Scary Movie 5'',
		'index_title' => 'On Cinema: 'Oblivion' and 'Scary Movie 5'',
		'blurb' => 'Explore new worlds this weekend in Tom Cruise's new film 'Oblivion' or snack on some eye candy in 'Scary Movie 5' -- or just reflect on life with Tim, because time is so valuable.',
		'description' => 'Explore new worlds this weekend in Tom Cruise's new film 'Oblivion' or snack on some eye candy in 'Scary Movie 5' -- or just reflect on life with Tim, because time is so valuable.',
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		'title' => 'Think X with Tim Harrington',
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		'blurb' => 'Les Savy Fav lead singer Tim Harrington reveals his arch rival on Twitter and gives some useful information about cats.',
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		'title' => 'What's Inside a Basketball?',
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		'blurb' => 'This week On Cinema reviews the latest releases by Soderbergh and Spielberg, including 'Jurassic Park 3D', where Tim shows his staunch devotion to the third dimension.',
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		'modified' => '2013-04-04 15:23:47',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'On Cinema'
	),
	(int) 38 => array(
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		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'Hoop Scoop',
		'index_title' => 'Hot Trash: Hoop Scoop',
		'blurb' => 'March Madness romance is just inevitable and Hot Trash's Kelly Hudson is here to dig through the basketball court dirt for you in this year's HOOP SCOOP!',
		'description' => 'March Madness romance is just inevitable and Hot Trash's Kelly Hudson is here to dig through the basketball court dirt for you in this year's HOOP SCOOP!',
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		'created' => '2013-04-03 15:43:29',
		'staged' => '2013-04-04 11:19:56',
		'published' => '2013-04-04 11:35:54',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-03 17:33:28',
		'modified' => '2013-04-04 11:22:40',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'Hot Trash'
	),
	(int) 39 => array(
		'id' => '217',
		'video_collection_id' => '2',
		'category' => 'Comedy',
		'title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: Pheromones',
		'index_title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: Pheromones',
		'blurb' => 'In this special "best of" episode, we bring back co-host Dr. Bobbi Bailey and the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal despite Dr. 'Sex' Reese's objections over both.',
		'description' => 'In this special "best of" episode, we bring back co-host Dr. Bobbi Bailey and the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal despite Dr. 'Sex' Reese's objections over both.',
		'keywords' => 'dr. sex reese, sex therapy, radio show, call-in, sex, monica lewinsky, satire, funny, podcast, humor, adult swim',
		'tags' => 'dr. 'sex' reese',
		'episode_id' => '8a250ba13dd09375013dd0a39f470004',
		'segment_id' => '8a250ba13dd09375013dd0a3d89d0006',
		'rating' => 'TV-PG',
		'duration' => '637.763',
		'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/5Ay1qw',
		'thumbnail_url' => 'http://i.cdn.turner.com/asfix/repository/8a250ba13a89a05f013a9dea358b0025/the-dr-sex-reese-show-the-dr-sex-reese-show-pheromones.jpg',
		'created' => '2013-04-03 12:03:38',
		'staged' => '2013-04-03 12:06:23',
		'published' => '2013-04-03 12:07:03',
		'first_published' => '2013-04-03 12:04:38',
		'modified' => '2013-04-03 12:06:23',
		'type' => 'videos',
		'collection' => 'The Dr. "Sex" Reese Show'
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)
$id = '1'
$i = (int) 1
$content = array(
	'id' => '237',
	'video_collection_id' => '2',
	'category' => 'Comedy',
	'title' => 'The Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: Bodily Fluids',
	'index_title' => 'Dr. 'Sex' Reese Show: Bodily Fluids',
	'blurb' => 'The topic of bodily fluid really gets Dr. Reese's juices flowing. Can he help a man with too much saliva?',
	'description' => 'The topic of bodily fluid really gets Dr. Reese's juices flowing. Can he help a man with too much saliva?',
	'keywords' => 'bodily fluids, dr. sex reese, sex, sex therapy, semen, cum, talk show, advice, call-in, thingx, thing x',
	'tags' => 'Dr. 'Sex' Reese',
	'episode_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013ea890d4b50092',
	'segment_id' => '8a250ba13e183910013ea8bc94e10099',
	'rating' => 'TV-PG',
	'duration' => '693.277',
	'shortened_url' => 'http://thingx.biz/1XTCaA',
	'thumbnail_url' => 'http://i.cdn.turner.com/asfix/repository/8a250ba13a89a05f013a9dea358b0025/the-dr-sex-reese-show-the-dr-sex-reese-show-bodily-fluids.jpg',
	'created' => '2013-05-15 10:21:05',
	'staged' => '2013-05-15 11:09:10',
	'published' => '2013-05-15 11:09:54',
	'first_published' => '2013-05-15 11:09:54',
	'modified' => '2013-05-15 11:17:20',
	'type' => 'videos',
	'collection' => 'The Dr. "Sex" Reese Show'
)
$link = '/articles/amazon-top-sellers-trek-nutz-2368/'
$date = 'Thu, 16 May 2013 11:30:25 America/New_York'
include - APP/View/Elements/modules/feed-x-rss.ctp, line 22
View::_evaluate() - CORE/Cake/View/View.php, line 920
View::_render() - CORE/Cake/View/View.php, line 883
View::render() - CORE/Cake/View/View.php, line 475
Controller::render() - CORE/Cake/Controller/Controller.php, line 957
PagesController::deploy_module() - APP/Controller/PagesController.php, line 411
ReflectionMethod::invokeArgs() - [internal], line ??
Controller::invokeAction() - CORE/Cake/Controller/Controller.php, line 485
Dispatcher::_invoke() - CORE/Cake/Routing/Dispatcher.php, line 186
Dispatcher::dispatch() - CORE/Cake/Routing/Dispatcher.php, line 161
[main] - APP/webroot/index.php, line 92